The Nursery is Done!

I feel a huge sense of relief with the nursery being done. I was feeling rather anxious about it. I was going to try to put the crib/changing table combo together myself, but there was just no way. So G came to my rescue. I did put a lot of it together on my own, but once I got to the main crib parts it got too awkward for me to handle alone. We still need to get curtains for the room because the blinds are old and starting to fall apart. But at least all the big stuff is done. So anyway, here are some pics of the nursery. By the way, the bassinet will be going in our bedroom, but I liked the way it looked in the pics.

Where Has the Time Gone??!!

I have 5 weeks left until my due date - 35 days!!!! Time is just flying by! Thanksgiving was great. I got to see a lot of my family that lives around the Bay Area, whom I don't get to see very often, since I don't have a car (and we're all busy). I also had my second baby shower on Saturday. My friend K's mom threw the shower for me. It was lots of fun. Great food, fun games, and awesome presents I must say. Now I just need to get through the rest of classes and finals in the next few weeks, then I can devote all my energy to getting Cole's things washed and put away and setting his nursery up. We ordered the crib yesterday and should be getting that this weekend or beginning of next week. We also bought a washer & drier that we should be getting on Friday. I am so happy that we are getting close to having everything ready. G said yesterday that he is starting to get butterflies in his stomach in regards to Cole's arrival. I've been feeling them. But it does seem like they're getting stronger the closer we get. I e-mailed my professor for my on-line class, explaining that I will be 37 weeks the day of our final, asking what I should do if I happen to g o into labor or I'm in the hospital that day. He told me to just send him an e-mail if I can and he would give me an incomplete so I can schedule a later time to take the final. I'm glad to have some kind of plan in place, but I've been telling Cole that he really needs to stay in there until after finals are over. And he needs to stay healthy!!

Here is a picture taken of me at my baby shower Saturday:

Plus here's one of just my big belly:

Only 10 1/2 Weeks Left

I can't get over how fast time is flying by! A lot of women are saying that time is dragging by for them, but so far I guess I've been lucky. Of course being in school full time and working part time helps keep my mind occupied. I have been really lucky that physically I haven't been very uncomfortable or had many difficulties. Knock on wood that things stay this way for the rest of the pregnancy! I know that as I get bigger, things will get more difficult, but, I just feel so blessed.

At my appointment last Monday, I had gained 12 lbs since my previous appointment. The nurse said I need to start watching what I eat, cut way down on the sugar, cut way down on the refined carbs and stick to complex carbs and whole wheat and stuff like that. So I think I've been much better about it, but wow does this kid have a sweet tooth! I have never had that much of a sweet tooth, but it seems like all I want are cookies and candy bars lately! With Halloween coming Saturday I may have to indulge a little. But I shall behave myself until then.

That's all that's going on so far. G took this pic of me last night:

Down to Two Digits!

As of today, I have 98 days left until my due date. Wow! In some ways it feels like time is dragging by, but in other ways it feels like time is flying. Yesterday I noticed some droplets of colostrum coming from my nipples. I know it sounds really weird, but I was happy about it. I thought, "My boobies are working!" I am 26 weeks today. Fertility Friend says if Cole were to be born now, he has 85% chance of survival. Those are pretty decent odds. Not that it matters. Cole needs to stay put until at least 39 weeks. I know they say 38 weeks is considered term these days, but I've also heard that boys generally need a little more time than girls to be fully developed. So, as far as I'm concerned, he needs to stay put until he is completely ready to come out.

It has been so wonderful feeling his kicks and watching my belly move around from his kicks and whatever else he's doing in there. Sometimes I'll play a little game with Cole where I'll push my belly right where he kicked and he'll kick back. We do that back and forth for a bit. It always makes me smile or laugh. It still scares me how attached I am to this little guy. I mean I knew in theory that it would be like this, but no one really knows exactly how it feels until they actually go through it. There have been a lot of women on my due date board on Baby Center who have lost their babies late in the game. It seems to me like the farther you get, the harder it is. I don't know what it's like to experience that kind of pain. I can certainly imagine it, but I hope I never have to know that kind of pain. It can be hard to strike a balance between being aware of everything that could go wrong and being able to enjoy what I have and the gift I have been given.

In school, in 3 of my 4 classes we have learned about prenatal development and reproduction. It's kind of fun to be learning about that stuff in detail while I am directly experiencing it. I've been able to share some of my own experience in class discussions which is pretty cool. I've still got to figure out what I'm going to do about spring semester. Hopefully that will all work out ok. I can't let myself worry about that too much. I just don't have the room in my brain for it.

Baby Shower

Next weekend I will be in San Diego for my first baby shower. My dad's wife is throwing it for me. I'm very excited about it. My dad called me this morning to ask me about some details regarding the travel system stroller I put on my registry. He apparently saw a nicer (and more expensive) one that he was thinking about getting me and wanted to make sure I didn't have my heart set on the exact one I had picked out for some reason. Dad, if you want to get me the nicer one, I am ALL for it! I will be 22 weeks when I go San Diego. I have gotten a lot bigger in the past few weeks since I posted my last belly shot. I saw a couple of my friends that I hadn't seen in several weeks and they were surprised by how much my belly has grown since then. Yesterday both G and my friend K got to feel the baby kick. It was pretty cool that others can feel him kick now too! Anyway, here's my latest belly shot, which K took yesterday at 22w3d:

It's A Boy!!!!

Today's ultrasound was quite an experience! Everything looks good and right on target. His heart, brain, stomach, spine, limbs, everything looked good. His face is formed properly - no cleft palate. He gave us a couple of great money shots too! Not a shy boy as far as that goes. He kept covering his face though, but we still got a decent look at his cute little nose and eyes. We found out that my placenta is anterior which explains why I haven't felt him move as much as many other women have by this point. I did feel a couple of good kicks on Tuesday, though, which was really awesome! My favorite part was when the ultrasound tech was moving the thing around my belly and the baby reached out and poked the placenta. It was so cute! So with out further ado I present to the blog world Cole Daniel:

16 Weeks

I have my 16 week appointment on Tuesday. It probably will just involve most of the same stuff as my 8 week appointment with the nurse. I'm hoping I get to hear the heart beat again. That would be pretty awesome. I am scheduled to have my glucose test. I was surprised that I'm getting mine done sooner than most of the other ladies on the message boards but apparently new research finds that it's better to get the glucose test done earlier. Here's the conclusion of Pub Med's abstract on the study they've done: Glucose screening at 16 weeks of pregnancy is a useful alternative to third-trimester screening for gestational diabetes. The negative predictive value of screening test results < or =" 110"> or = 135 mg/dL is 55%. This latter finding is superior to the 8.6-22% found during the third-trimester.
An article from Medscape quoted one of the doctors involved in the study: "Screening at 16 weeks is a better predictor of gestational diabetes," Gerard Nahum, MD, from Duke University Medical Center in Durham, North Carolina, says in a news release. "It's more sensitive than screening later, and allows us to focus earlier on women who are at greatest risk. It's also a more practical screening technique because blood samples drawn during early pregnancy for other tests can also be used for this purpose."

In other news I bought a couple pairs of preggo jeans today. It is so nice to be able to wear some jeans again. I was starting to feel very frumpy. Especially since my hair is badly in need of a cut and I hate my bangs and need to grow them out. That's not a very good combination. Luckily G talked to our hair-cutter for me and she said she good give me a side-swept bang look. I'll probably go in towards the end of August.

Next weekend I have some good friends from out of town coming to visit. It should be a lot of fun, but I have been way attached to G lately and it's not going top be easy being away from him all weekend even though we'll be in the same city. We all get together every summer and alternate between Northern California & Southern California, since 2 of us live up here in NorCal and the other 2 live in SoCal. This year it's scheduled to be up here, next year it's supposed to be in SoCal. I don't know if I'll be able to do it next year with the baby. I'm not going to drive with the baby and I don't know if I'll be able to afford the plane ticket to go down. Plus, don't know where we'd stay. If I'm still nursing I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving the baby with G while I go down for the weekend. I suppose I shouldn't be worrying about it now.

I kinda feel like the outsider even more now that I'm pregnant. It was hard enough when I had quit drinking, but now it's more pronounced. One of the other girls has been sort of ttc, but the other two are not ttc right now. They both want to in the somewhat near future but are waiting until they have enough medical coverage for it. I am really looking forward to when they get pregnant too. I hear of so many women online talking about how all their friends already have kids, but for me it's the opposite. That's probably the one thing that made it easier to deal with taking so long to get pregnant. Now that I am pregnant I feel a bit alone. Luckily I have family members with young kids/babies that I can talk to.

Felt Something

I have been feeling a bit of movement for a couple of weeks now, but nothing major. Just feels like that baby is rolling around in there or something. I usually feel movement after I've eaten. Last night when I was sitting on the couch with G after we came back from getting some pizza, I had my hand on my belly just seeing if I could feel anything. I could feel the baby rolling around as usual. It almost felt like thhe baby was doing gymnastics in there. Then, at one point, I actually felt a very tiny little thump. I felt it both inside and on my hand. And it definitely wasn't gas. That was pretty cool. I am so looking forward to feeling more of that kind of movement. I really want G to be able to feel it too.

I had to go get me some preggo clothes today. My pants are starting to get quite uncomfortable. I only have 3 pairs of jeans that still fit without cutting off circulation. Even they are getting a bit snug. I looked at getting that belly band thing, but I just couldn't bring myself to get it. I just don't like it that much and I am not confident that the little piece of material that comes with it will actually stay in place. I only found one pair of pants that I liked that was in my price range. Why does maternity clothes have to be so expensive when it will only be worn for a limited amount of time? It seems a bit ridiculous to me. This IS San Francisco, though. The people here don't seem to get the concept that not everyone here wants expensive clothes. I really wish there was a Target store in the City but the supervisors here have a weird idea that if we let them in they'll take over like cockroaches. It's apparently OK for Starbuck's to do that, but not Target. Gee, makes a lot of sense. Old Navy's maternity section had a crap selection. I wonder why? They used to have more of a selection, but when G and i went there the other day they had very little. It was disappointing. Anyway, enough of that rant. Time to go feed the dog and then go get some food for me & G.

One Trimester Down, Two More to Go!

In honor of making it to the 2nd trimester, I will finally post a belly pic:

BTW, We got to hear the baby's heartbeat Monday. It was 165 bpm. Music to our ears!

Almost There!

By mid to end of next week I will be in the second trimester. I am very much looking forward to that. I should post a belly pic. I'm starting to pooch out a bit. Yeah, I'll get right on that. I'm so lazy these days. It's so hard to get motivated to do anything unless I'm going to work.

On Monday we have our next appointment. I don't know if I'll get another ultrasound or not, but I'm hoping I will at least get to hear the heartbeat. Monday is also our 7-year wedding anniverary. G will be coming with me to the appointment, then we'll go do something afterward and go out to dinner somewhere.

The weather is gorgeous here this weekend. It's also pride weekend which means a lot of people in the 'hood. In some ways it's fun, but the vast majority of people are drinking and partying and I am sooo not into that and neither is G. So we're hanging out in our back yard for most of the time. I did have to go get a dress for my cousin's wedding next weekend. Downtown was pretty packed. We got out of there as quickly as we could. It will be nice to go to SoCal next weekend. I need to start planning when I'll have my shower down there. It will probably have to be the beginning of September since that's the only 3-day weekend school will have for quite some time. My aunt suggested doing it at Thanksgiving, but I said that was pushing it. She said said she had seen plenty of women flying while that far along and I replied, "Yeah, but how many of them took 3+ years to get pregnant?" She concurred.

So Far, So Good

We got to see the baby blob today! Saw the heart beat - it was 178 bpm! Must've been going pretty fast because my heart was thundering away! I guess my uterus is tilted because the doc had a hard time getting a good pic. First she realized I had a full bladder and had me go empty it. So I wrapped myself in that paper cover thingy and went to the bathroom. It was unlocked, but occupied. At least I was in just as awkward a position! Emptied my bladder and went back in the room. It was easier, but still took a minute to get a clear look at the baby blob. The heart beat was beautiful and it measured right on time. We are both quite relieved. G said it's more and more real to him. 

I'm just glad we got that over with! I slept terribly last night with all kinds of anxiety-filled dreams about this u/s. Next week I meet with the nurse to go over all the other important stuff, blood tests, blood pressure, weight, etc. Have no idea when the next u/s is supposed to be. I guess we'll schedule that next week, too. I should put together a list of questions. Yeah. I'll get right on that. Really. 

Lazy and Hungry

I've been trying to get out of the house to go get me a cheese burger but my butt appears to be glued to the couch, dammit! :o) Feeling tired all the time makes it sooo easy to be lazy. I haven't done my prenatal yoga tape yet, and I really, really should. I wanted to sign up with the local public pool so I can swim through out the summer. Have not yet even attempted to do that. Which is silly because I will be babysitting at a house that is quite near the pool and it would be wonderfully easy to walk right over there when I'm done. Those jobs will be done by 1 pm which is the perfect time to go swimming. I gotta get my butt in gear. My toenails need to be done. I have been so lazy about that too. I am SO LAZY!!! It kinda feels good to be this lazy.  

The Symptoms Have Hit

Oh boy. The nausea, the constant hunger, and the MOOD SWINGS!!! It's crazy! Come 9 pm, I'm absolutely worthless. My brain just shuts down. I used to try to find a nice way to say what's on my mind. These days, not so much. Thankd GOD for the internet when I can erease what I typed and retype it before sending. IRL, that editing isn't available. Sometimes stuff slips out before I mean for it to. With hubby I feel bad. With strangers, if I can't manage to clamp my mouth shut, oh well. I really don't like to be outright rude to people, but wow, everything annoys me! Especially all the cigarette smoke. It can be really tough walking through my neighborhood at night when all the guys are at the bars getting sloshed & smoking like chimminies. If I cover my face with a rag they make stupid comments about swine flu. Like I give a shit about THAT! The toxins they keep blowing out their mouth into the air I breathe is a far more immediate concern. Even when I was a smoker, I was more considerate of nonsmokers than most of these yodels seem to be. I just seem to have very little tolerance for any kind of bullshit these days. Not good when babysitting! I make a very strong point to be as patient as possible, though, with the kids. They don't need to deal with my craziness. Luckily the kids have all been very sweet for the most part. I do feel more maternal too, though, so that helps. My u/s was on the 28th, but the doc had surgery scheduled that day so I had to reschedule for the 29th. At least it's just one more day. 

In other news, my dog is crazy. She broke off one of her rear claws at the paw line. She doesn't seem fazed by it in the least. I got a call from the store around the corner from us the she was there. She was supposed to be in the back yard. Oh how I love sharing the back yard with a neighbor to whom it doesn't occur to make sure the back yard gate is closed tight. Fun times! I sure hope she didn't get into any trouble while she was out and about. She can be a bit of a punk with other dogs sometimes. At least she's safe and sound now! Silly mutt.

Grumpy & Hormonal

Everything seems to be pissing me off today! The cigarette smoke I keep smelling is pissing me off. A certain charting site that will remain unnamed REALLY pissed me off today. They make it absolutely impossible to do anything to help and/or support your friends off the site. The SAY it's to protect privacy. But they won't even let you give your OWN e-mail address. It's so stupid. They claim it's a private forum, not a public one so they can make what ever rules they want. Well, shit, WE'RE paying for that forum. Shouldn't we have a say about the rules?! I mean, come on! GGRRRRRRR!

In a Daze

I still can't believe I'm pregnant!! I've had 2 more BFP's and I went it yesterday to get me beta. Today I got the call back and the result is 239. A good number according to my doc's office. They don't want me to bother with checking for doubling, so I just made my first appointment (with u/s) on 5/28. DH is such a happy man right now! But also very overwhelmed, he says. We're both in a daze, in fact. So today I'm 5w1d and my due date is 1/4/10. Man, I probably should be more cautiously optimistic, but right now I'm just optimistic! I'm going to enjoy this for as long as I can. 

Woah!

Yesterday I had been talking to my friend K about expecting af to show up any minute. We were joking about using a hpt as a "period starter kit" as we like to call it. After I got off the phone with her, I walked the dog and when I got back home had to pee. I had one more EPT digital test left so I decided to just do it. The hourglass was blinking on the screen and I figured it was going to be negative. I wasn't trippin' on it at all. As I walked into the next room I was looking at the screen and suddenly it blinked "pregnant." I said, "Wait, what?!" My brain immediately turned into mush. I called G, then I called K back. These past 12+ hours have been so surreal!!! I need to call my ob/gyn Monday morning to get a beta done. But, for now, it seems like I'm pregnant! Holy shit!

Blah

I've got the blahs really bad. I have no idea what we're going to do next ttc-wise. I'm just not feeling so great about myself right now, but not for any particular reason. We need more money but the babysitting jobs are just not there right now because no one wants to spen any money they don't have to. I'm lucky that I'm as busy as I am. Unfortunately it doesn't quite cover what we need. I have no motivation to do anything, but I'm feeling so bored with my life and want something to be different. Being in school feels very much like being in limbo sometimes. Like I'm waiting for my real life to happen when I'm done. It's hard to just enjoy life as it is right now. There's so much that I'd like to be able to do that we just can't because we don't have the money for it because I'm in school. G and I have argued so much about stupid shit when it comes to money and I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of getting blamed every time the bank or whoever decides to wait too fucking long to put the charge through when I use the credit part of my card instead of ATM. I'm tired of feeling soley responsible for the fact that we don't have enough money right now. I mean, it's not like things are horrible right now, but as soon as someting happens that's not expected I get blamed. I don't want to be blamed for this shit any more. I don't know why he seems to think I don't care about this shit. 

I'm cranky and feel crappy about nearly everything even though I don't have very good reason to be. I hate this. Ugh. 

Whatever

Last cycle was full of weird shit. First I ovulated earlier than normal. At least I think I did. I forgot to take an OPK on CD 13 and they were all negative CD 14-16, getting lighter, looking very much post-surge. Then my period arrives late, making me think I might be possibly pregnant. Of course I wasn't, or if I was it was another chemical and it didn't register on the digital test I took. On the plus side, being late means that I will ovulate during the week now and can do another IUI. That's good, at least. G was all excited about me possibly being pregnant. Because I thought I ovulated on CD 13, I had what I thought was an 18-day luteal phase which is the longest I've ever had. When I look back on the cycles where I've done OPK's it seems like I usually get 2 + opk's and FF usually has me ovulating on the second day of getting a +. If I only got one + FF usually has me ovulating the day of or the day after. How am I supposed to know if I should do my IUI the same day as a + opk or the day after? I'd been doing my IUI's the same day as the + opk. Maybe this time I should try doing it the day after? Whatever. I'm just glad I actually have a chance this cycle. I hate all this time-wasting! I think I've said that before... You know this shit has gone on way too long when you keep repeating yourself in blog posts.

AGAIN?!

Holy shit, I've got bad luck! It was bad enough that I was due to ovulate right around another holiday weekend, but there was hope. Key word: WAS. If I had ovulated when I normally do, I might have ovulated yesterday and would have been out for IUI, but I also could have ovulated today and still had a chance to do it tomorrow. Instead, I ovulated early, just to make sure I had no chance for an IUI this cycle. GREAT! I only had 3 OPK's left so I waited until yesterday (cd 14) to do a test.  99% of the time the test will be + or almost + on cd 14. Yesterday the test was so far from being + that I could tell I had probably already ovulated. Still, I thought there might be a chance that I was ovulating late this cycle, so I took another opk test today. It was even more negative than yesterday's. So that's that. I just feel like screaming. Really really loudly. I hate this. I really really hate this. Wouldn't it be nice if I actually had something new to say?

ETA: I just checked my cycle planner on Fertility Friend. According to that, if my cycle is as regular as it usually is, I'l probably ovulate over the weekend again next cycle. Chances are good that I'm not going to be able to do another IUI until April. Amazing. 

One Year

One year ago Tuesday I made the decision to stop drinking for good. It wasn't easy. At all. G was ready to walk out the door because we were fighting a lot and life was just kind of a mess. I had spent that past 3 months drunk almost every evening and more and more often during the day, even in class. I preferred vodka because it didn't give me such bad headaches the next morning. Vodka and diet coke. I almost let G walk out the door so I could be alone with my vodka. I saw myself letting him walk out the door. I saw myself getting shit-faced drunk that night and the next day, and the next until... What? How far was I going to let it take me? I knew then that if I didn't come clean about everything, including the bottle of vodka that I had hidden in a drawer, I was going to die. I thought I had been able to hide my drinking problem. How stupid I had been! As soon as I was able to admit my problem out loud and give G the bottle of vodka I had, he told me he knew and all I had to do was ask for help. So I looked up at him and said, with tears in my eyes, "I need help." He pulled me into his arms and cried with me and told me of course he was going to help me. But he couldn't just continue to stand by and watch me destroy myself and the life we were trying to build together, all the while denying it. I had become such a different person. I had become surly while drinking, and that was so unlike me. I was depressed all the time and just did not want to be a part of reality. I wanted to check out. But that day, one year ago, I had to choose life or death. I was going down hill fast. I am so glad that I chose life. 

I did not go to AA meetings for a number of reasons. Mainly, though, I didn't need to. G himself is a recovered addict of some pretty hard core drugs and has been clean and sober for about 15 years now. He was able to help me with what I was going through because he understood it. He never made me feel like I was weak or a bad person. Always the opposite. All of my friends were supportive of me, especially my best friends, one of which has also been through addiction and recovered, the other is currently dealing with her brother's addiction issues. If I needed to talk about it, there was always someone I could talk to. I had used cigarettes to help with the especially bad days. It helped, but around Thanksgiving time, I knew I was ready to be done with them too. 

Everyone tells me how proud they are of me for being strong enough to make it to one year. But if it weren't for my wonderful support network, I don't know if I could have, or if I'd had the will power or motivation. Beacuse of G and everyone else, I am not only still here one year later, but I am healthier and happer than I thought possible. So, thank you every one for your awesome support. It meant al lot this past year and will continue to mean the world to me. 

A Remarkable Day in History

I stay away from politics on this blog, because I don't like for political views to get in the way of the wonderful connections I've made through the internet, especially the infertility community. I belong to message groups with women who have a wide range of spiritual and political beliefs. In the past, politics have been an extremely divisive issue in this country. I would like to believe that with our new president, this will some day remain in the past.

I strongly feel that in order to help ourselves as much as we can, we need to help everyone else too. In order to make our own lives better, we need to work to make everyone's lives better. I'm not talking about Socialism. I'm talking about basic stuff, like not being greedy, not living in excess, not taking advantage, or even not littering. Most of us are guilty of all of these things to some degree or another. But we also know what the right thing to do is usually. We may not agree on how that should happen or the particulars, but most people in this country do care and want a better life for everyone.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm really glad Barak Obama is our president. I think the fact that we have our first African American president is significant. But more so, I think Mr. Obama himself has the intelligence, strength, and honor to bring this courty back to where it's supposed to be. Perhaps I'm being too optimistic. I don't expect him to be perfect. He is a politician, after all. In fact, I expect it to take his entire first term to clean up this clusterfuck that he has been left with. I do, however I think that the hope his presidency brings to so many people will spark the biggest change in this country. I can see kids finally believeing that it really is possible for them to become anything they want. I can see people work together towards common ground intead of insisting that their way is the only right way.

So today we celebrate. Tomorrow it's time to get down to work, because there's a lot to be done.

My Craptastic Luck Strikes Again

I did get that positive OPK yesterday like I'd been hoping for. Unfortunately I forgot about the holiday today. My doctor's office is not open. So guess what? I won't be able to do the IUI this cycle. I knew that was a possibility. I'm still disappointed. It means another wasted cycle. It means more time to wait. G and I did what we could on our own this afternoon instead. Considering that that has not worked so far in the past 3 years, I have a hard time believing it's going to magically work this time. Hopeful this will help keep me from being so disappointed when AF arrives in two weeks.

Those Dreams are Hard

I had a dream this morning that I had a baby. It was the most realistic, longest-lasting dream I've had about having a baby so far. In my dream I was so happy that I finally had my baby. There were some nursing issues, the baby was having trouble with a good latch, but I finally got it to work ok (I think). Also in my dream, I kept leaving the baby behind and would have to keep going back to find him/her. The baby's sex was never made known in my dream and I apparently didn't care. I remember panicking thinking I was going to find my baby dead if I kept forgetting him/her. Weird. But ,oh man, I was sooo happy to have my baby finally.

Change What You Can, Right?

I didn't (and still don't) know how to change this fertility situation. So I decided to change my blog appearance instead. A Physician's Aid and my ob/gyn office reaturned my call and told me that my insurance won't pay for me to see a fertility specialist until I've done at least 6 IUI's. So we've got 4 more to go before that will happen. She did give me some names to hold on to in case we do get to that point. That means 3.5 more months before I can even think about getting more help with getting pregnant. This cycle I have the risk of missing ovulation because it's most likely going to happen over the weekend. If I get lucky I'll still be able to do an IUI on Monday. Otherwise, I'll have to wait another cycle. *Sigh.* No expecations, right?

So, What Now?

That's exactly what I've been asking myself. IUI #2 didn't work either. I'll probably ovulate over the weekend this cycle, so no IUI for me. I'm thinking maybe I should ask my ob/gyn for a referral to a reproductive specialist. I need more help than the ob/gyn office can provide. Unfortunately that also means I'll probably need to spend more money, too. I hope my insurance will continue to cover at least 50% of everything like they have been. I've been lucky. Maybe I can try some things on my own, like maca root. I feel desperate. I wish I knew what my body needed. It's like a puzzle I can't figure out because I don't even know what kind of puzzle it is, or what it's asking me to do.

The only thing I keep hearing in my head is "No expectations." Over and over again. What does that mean? Why no expectations? I think I know why, but it's so hard. No expectations... It's hard to let go. No expectations... I have to at least try. No expectations...