Blah

I've got the blahs really bad. I have no idea what we're going to do next ttc-wise. I'm just not feeling so great about myself right now, but not for any particular reason. We need more money but the babysitting jobs are just not there right now because no one wants to spen any money they don't have to. I'm lucky that I'm as busy as I am. Unfortunately it doesn't quite cover what we need. I have no motivation to do anything, but I'm feeling so bored with my life and want something to be different. Being in school feels very much like being in limbo sometimes. Like I'm waiting for my real life to happen when I'm done. It's hard to just enjoy life as it is right now. There's so much that I'd like to be able to do that we just can't because we don't have the money for it because I'm in school. G and I have argued so much about stupid shit when it comes to money and I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of getting blamed every time the bank or whoever decides to wait too fucking long to put the charge through when I use the credit part of my card instead of ATM. I'm tired of feeling soley responsible for the fact that we don't have enough money right now. I mean, it's not like things are horrible right now, but as soon as someting happens that's not expected I get blamed. I don't want to be blamed for this shit any more. I don't know why he seems to think I don't care about this shit. 

I'm cranky and feel crappy about nearly everything even though I don't have very good reason to be. I hate this. Ugh. 

Gah!

How is Clomid supposed to help me get pregnant if G and I are at each others throats because of the side-effects? It doesn't make me want to get romantic with him (like there's ever been romance ) and it certainly discourages him from wanting anything to do with me. Normally we bd right after af is over. Not so much this time. No for lack of wanting to on my part. But I've been a royal bitch (but really trying not to be) and that makes for a husband that doesn't even want to talk to me let alone have sex with me. Ugh. I really, really hope this works because going through another cycle of this sounds about as much fun as sticking my fingers in a meat grinder.

6th Wedding Anniversary

It's a good thing we made it this week! It's been a rough one. But that's partially due to some hellacious mood swings I've been having this week. I'm beginning to suspect that I may have Bipolar II Disorder which is different from regular Bipolar Disorder because of the manic episodes. People who experience hypomanic episodes often have the following symptoms according to this site:

People in a hypomanic state may experience increased anxiety, sleeplessness, good mood, or irritability. The hypomanic state can last for four days or longer, and patients will note a significant difference in feelings from when they are in a depressed state.

Hypomania may also cause people to feel more talkative, result in inflated self-esteem, make people feel as though their thoughts are racing, and in some cases result in rash choices, such as indiscriminate sexual activity or inappropriate spending sprees. Often, the person who feels anxious or irritable and also has bouts of depression is diagnosed with anxiety disorder with depression , or merely anxiety disorder. As such, they do not receive the proper treatment, because if given an anti-depressant alone, the hypomanic state can progress to a manic state, or periods of rapid cycling of mood can occur and cause further emotional disturbance.

So My darling husband has agreed to go with me to my Psychiatrist appointment on Monday to help me describe to the doc what I've been going trough and what exactly has been happening. I talked to my friend about it who has known me quite well over the past 11 years and she agrees that it makes a lot of sense. The problem with Bipolar is that the meds are not very pregnancy friendly, so we'll have to seriously consider our options as far as that goes if Bipolar II is indeed the true diagnosis.

Money Crap Sucks

G has been sulking all day because we got in this stupid fight this morning about money. It all started with the stupid dust pan. The last one we had sucked and was falling part. It wouldn't pick up anything and we really needed a new one but couldn't afford a good one. So I just picked on up at the dollar store. This one sucks too, but it works. G was yelling at me for buying it because he says it was a waste of money. I said it was better than not having one at all and I didn't see him going out and getting one. He said getting an equally crappy dustpan isn't better either. Then he started going about how I always waste 5 bucks here and 10 bucks there. So I said "Oh, right, it's better to waste 50 bucks at a time." I was referring to the $50 hair cuts he gets every other week. He got mad at me for throwing that in his face saying he's a grown man and works hard and that's the only he does that's not for us. But that's not true. He spends money on just himself more often than I do. He thinks that because he makes more money than me he's entitled to use more of it, regardless of whether we can afford it. He wants to act like we're equal partners when it comes to my money, but not his. Oh I don't know. I'm sure there are areas I could cut back, but I sure would like to see him cut back, too. I'm sorry but while I'm school, it's just not practical to get a $50 hair cut every other week. When I'm employed full-time, sure, but until then, why do I have to be the only one sacrificing? His problem is that he spent most of his life being a criminal so whenever he needed money he'd just go get it. Now he has to work for much less and it's hard. He's not used to not having whatever he wants. I've never had whatever I wanted. My whole life I've had to work hard to barely get by. I'm used to it. He better get used to it too, if he wants to stay married to me. He just needs to realize that life is not going to be easy financially until I'm out of school. That's just the way it is. Especially living in San Francisco.

I Hate Being Married Sometimes

I'm either in school or working 45 hours a week and I have at least 5 hours of homework to do each week. G had the gall to ask me if I could take on more work since were broke right now. I said absolutely not and he got mad! Well, gee, asshole, maybe if you gave up the $50 hair cuts every other week, we'd have some extra money! I admit, I've spent money I didn't need to spend, but how dare he ask me to work more when I already have a full-up schedule and then get mad at me and tell me I need to stop spending money when he's every bit as guilty as I am! If he wants more money coming in, he needs to get a second job. He can be such a self-centered jerk sometimes!