Crushing My Own Hope

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I need to stop taking those stupid pregnancy tests before my period is due. All it does it drive me crazy until I start bleeding. I had lines on several tests, but they must have been evaporation lines because I couldn't get positive digital test. Here are a couple of the tests fixed and unfixed:

I know, I know, both blue dye and dollar store tests are very prone to evap lines. They're also less money and I can't stand the idea of spending 12 or more dollars on the brand name tests that have pink dye. They cost way, way more than they rightfully should. It obviously doesn't cost that much to manufacture the tests. Those brand names are making butt-loads of money off of us women who so badly want to have a baby. I absolutely HATE being over-charged for stuff. That's why I refuse to shop at places like Bebe.

At least I'm no longer surprised or bitterly angry when I start bleeding. I'd be surprised if I didn't start bleeding. I'm at the point where becoming pregnant seems like a far-away fairy tale that only happens to other people, like winning the lottery or something.

It's so hard because so many bloggers I love who had so much trouble getting pregnant are now pregnant with their second or just recently gave birth. I STILL can't get pregnant for the first time. I'm so tired of feeling like my body is failing at the one thing it's supposed to be an expert at. I AM a woman, right? I do have a uterus that prepares itself to harbor life every month. I do have breasts that get painful and heavy with the anticipation of feeding a child every month. Somewhere there is a part of me that is not allowing this process to be fully completed. I wish it wasn't so hard to find out what that was so I could fix it.


Wednesday, February 13, 2008

I've had to make some pretty serious changes in my life. I've had trouble with drinking in the past and a little over 2 weeks ago it got serious enough that my husband was going to leave me because I was not willing to be honest about my problem. I was getting to the point that I didn't care if I was fucking off my life and I just wanted to get drunk and not think about any of it. When I was drinking, I thought I was on top of game and could do anything. But the truth was, I was a mess. I was losing shit that I'd just gotten, and going through every evening in a haze. I've had many conversations that I can only remember bits and pieces of.

It's embarrassing to realize that I am an alcoholic. I haven't gotten to the point many people do when they have to admit that to themselves, but I do have to admit it none the less. I have had to realize that alcohol is simply not an option for me. I can't just stay away from it for awhile, or just cut back. If I start drinking at all again, I will end up not just in this vicious cycle again, but it will get worse. I have to head this off before it really does fuck off my life. Sure, that may seem like the easy way out, but it is way too hard on the body physically, and my body seems to take it worse than most anyway.

Plus, my birth father was recently diagnosed with diabetes, and he has always avoided sugary drinks because of that same weird sour after-taste that I aways get from sugared soda, tea or gum. He had been sober (had problems with drugs and alcohol BIG TIME which is part of why I was adopted) for many, many years when he was diagnosed, so alcohol consumption was not part of the reason, but I certainly don't want to get that diagnosis one day and not drinking any alcohol could help with that, I hope.