So I did the 2nd IUI 2 weeks ago as of this Friday. I refuse to test before af is due to show. I'm waiting until 18 dpo to test since I've never made it that far. Plus I seriously hate HPT's now, and they obviously don't like me either. So I can and will wait. I don't need to see anymore negative tests. It's way too depressing.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
I was not able to pretend nothing happened. Therefore I was not able to prevent the massive disappointment I felt when I saw this morning's BFN. It's 14 dpo, so the chances of me getting a positive are pretty fucking slim. I have so many mixed feelings. The biggest feeling is extreme hatred for my body right now. Why is it that so many crack whore bitches can get pregnant, but I can't because I drink caffeine? I want to try something other than clomid this next cycle. It feels wrong to have any hope at all. I am just so angry at myself for not being good enough. I knew there wasn't a high chance of it working th first time, but after so long, how could I not hope it would work? G told his family about the IUI and they put us on a prayer list. Now he gets to tll them it didn't work. I hope he doesn't tell them about future IUI's. I hate getting so excited about something that's probably not going to work. GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
I am so fucking upset about this right now and I really have no right to be. I should have expected this.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
So, I finally got that IUI done last Thursday. They said G's spermies looked really great post-wash. They double-washed it. So, let's hope the egg got fertilized and it implants like it's supposed to. I'm trying to pretend like nothing happened, just as the title says, but I'm not having much success. Hope and fear create a really srange mixture. Fertility Friend says my test date is next Friday. We'll see what happens... I hope I can stay sane.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Not everything sucks in my life. G's blood tests came back and he does not have the active virus. My blood tests also came back normal. None of that means very much, except that we don't have hep c. We are, however, getting another room mate. That means less space in the house and less privacy. It means having to shuffle all the rooms around again (and everything had just recently settled down after painting). Most of all it means moving backwards rather than forwards.
Today I realized that my first aid bag where I keep my meds is missing. No anti-anxiety/ depression meds and no ADD meds makes for a very ugly day. Of course my school's lost and found office isn't open until 2 pm Tuesdays and Thursdays. How helpful! Especially since my class starts at 2 pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Assholes.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
G tested + for hep c, so there's a good chance we may have to put off ttc for 6-12 months. I am very, very sad about this. G is already HIV + (as you may remember) and we were going forward with ttc with our doctors blessing based on the premise that he has no other infection and we would only be unprotected while I was fertile. We both were tested for all STD's 7 years ago when we found out about his HIV status (he was applying for life insurance) He is a recovered IV drug user, has been clean and sober for 15 years. At the time he tested + for HIV his t-cell count was so low he technically had AIDS even though he was asymptomatic. It's quite possible that his immune system was so depleted that he wasn't able to produce antibodies for hep c and that's why he didn't test + for it 7 years ago. Fast forward to this year. We're preparing for IUI and find out about the hep c now. Great timing.
We're waiting for his secondary blood tests to see if he has the active virus in his system. His chances of that are about 80-90% likely. So I got tested too. The treatment for hep c lasts 6-12 months and the drugs used can cause severe birth defects.
So, if we get his blood tests back by Monday and if he doesn't have the active virus in his system, we can move forward with IUI. By the look on my doctor's face yesterday the chances of us moving forward on IUI this cycle are extremely slim. The chances of us being able to ttc at all in the next 6-12 months isn't looking so good either. This whole ttc business keeps getting put off and put off and put off for so many different reasons. I can't help but wonder why I'm even bothering? Yes, I've wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember, but that's obviously not what's happening for me. I need to just accept what is and quit trying to force something that's probably just not going to happen.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
How is Clomid supposed to help me get pregnant if G and I are at each others throats because of the side-effects? It doesn't make me want to get romantic with him (like there's ever been romance ) and it certainly discourages him from wanting anything to do with me. Normally we bd right after af is over. Not so much this time. No for lack of wanting to on my part. But I've been a royal bitch (but really trying not to be) and that makes for a husband that doesn't even want to talk to me let alone have sex with me. Ugh. I really, really hope this works because going through another cycle of this sounds about as much fun as sticking my fingers in a meat grinder.
Monday, October 13, 2008
We are well on our way toward IUI early next week. Finally we're doing something truly different with ttc. Hopefully we'll get some good results. I have an ultrasound on Friday to check my follicles, makes sure they're growing the way they're supposed to. I'm glad we're doing a follie check. A sick, sick part of me is hoping for twins (specifically boy and girl) and I want to see if my eggs are cooperating. I would kind of prefer to have twins so that I can have my 2 kids and be done with it in one pregnancy. I really don't want to have an only child, but because of time and resources, I feel like this is our big chance to conceive now. Once we've conceived successfully, it's going to be hard to convince ourselves to go through all of this again when we already have a little one in the house. So, yeah. Hoping for twins. I have got to be completely insane. Yep. Yes I am.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
I started temping again this cycle to prepare myself for an IUI next cycle. Of course my temps were better than they've ever been. I actually got to the point where I thought the IUI might not be necessary. Pair the awesome temps with a couple of really dark evaporation lines on hpt's that almost looked +, I nearly had myself convinced I was pregnant. But then the last few tests I took were blaring white negatives and this morning's temp plummeted. So much for not needing that IUI. Of course I was hoping we'd be able to get pregnant the old-fashioned way. I used to have such romantic notions of what conceiving my child would be like. I was sure I would know the moment I conceived. That naivete was nice. *sigh* I have to admit that I'm jealous of women who are able to keep that innocence.
I'm going to have to fill my clomid prescription in a few days. Oh boy. Looking forward to those symptoms. Honestly, though. I just want to be a mom. I'm willing to do what it takes to get there.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
My latest batch of blood test results have come in and they're all normal. I don't think I could adequately explain just how annoying that is. I still have no answers as to why I'm not getting pregnant. And to top it all off I just started another period. I'm getting so sick of this. I can't understand why my body isn't willing to cooperate. I just feel so pathetic, so inadequate. Why is my body not good enough to have a baby? What is wrong with me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????????????????????
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
ETA: She passed at 9 pm this evening.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Of summer, that is. School starts in just a couple of weeks. I'm registered for all of my classes. I'm taking a beginner's karate class. I'm so psyched! I'm also taking a metaphysics class that I'm really, really looking forward to. That kind of philosophy is right up my alley. At least my school schedule is fairly easy. Work is going to be...different. I've had virtually the same schedule for over a year now and that's all going to change when I start back to school. I'm really nervous about being able to make enough money during the semester, but I can't worry about it too much. I just need to let everything fall into place. What ever happens, happens and I will make it work one way or another. I just gotta keep telling myself that.
I found out recently that my aunt Linda has small-cell lung cancer. It's a very aggressive form of cancer and if it spreads there's pretty much no hope of survival. When she was diagnosed, they had found the cancer cells in her liver. Her doctors say she could potentially live for another year, but he thinks she has about 6 months or so. Right now my aunt has an upper respiratory infection and has swelling from water retention. She's feeling pretty awful and not up for any visitors. I hope she feels well enough for visitors soon. I'd really like a chance to see her one more time before she goes. If not, I will always value the time we were able to spend together last summer when my grandpa was dying, but I would much prefer to see her at least once more.
I'm now on my 35th cycle of trying to conceive. My doc wants me to get a few more blood tests done for prolactin, thyroid, and antibodies, I guess. If those all turn up normal, I think the next thing to do is talk about removing the polyp I have. I'm all for it. It's annoying that this polyp is making my periods longer. They used to last 4-5 days, now it's at least 7 days. I hate that. If I got pregnant this cycle, my due date would be on G's birthday. He would LOVE that. Of course there is no reason to believe I'd get pregnant this cycle, but who the hell knows? Weirder things have happened.
So my summer is coming to an end. I don't think I've read nearly enough fun books this summer. I'd like to read at least one more before school starts, maybe two. I'll squeeze every last drop out of summer vacation as much as I possibly can.
Monday, July 21, 2008
When I saw my doc about the possibility of being bi-polar he agreed that I could have some of the symptoms, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it is bi-polar. He said he is more conservative with bi-polar diagnoses because of his experience while he was in training. He was at a clinic that encouraged bi-polar diagnoses because of the funding they could get. I was really grateful that he wanted to be conservative about it. I've been documenting my mood swings so I can tell him about them more accurately. So right now, that's kind of an on-going process. I still want to find a hypnotherapist but I want one that does regular talk therapy as well so I can get insurance to pay for it. Doing the research for that takes time I don't really have. But I do need to make it a priority.
I'm registered for some of my classes at SFSU. I went to orientation and was able to do it then. Going to orientation allowed me to register for classes before any new transfers who didn't go. That's kind of nice. As it turns out, I can't take any of their child development classes until I take Intro Psych. If I had known that I would have taken it at CCSF, but no one told me. Oh well, at least I was able to get in the Intro Psych class. There was only one class available when I registered. Apparently they're huge classes, though, so not too hard to get into. Having such a big class will probably make it harder to get to know th professor like I was able to at CCSF, but I'll make a point to do it anyway. I learned that it makes a big difference.
I had my HSG done Friday. It actually went well. Both tubes are open, although the right tube took longer to fill with liquid. They confirmed that there's a polyp or something. Said it was pea-sized. Still haven't heard from my OB/GYN if I'm supposed to do anything about it or not. I'll wait a few weeks for the HSG results to get in, then I'll call again and ask about it. I'm hoping the HSG helped open everything up and make it easier for my eggs to travel down the tubes. Maybe I'll get pg this cycle and not need the IUI? One can dream, can't they?
Sunday, June 29, 2008
It's a good thing we made it this week! It's been a rough one. But that's partially due to some hellacious mood swings I've been having this week. I'm beginning to suspect that I may have Bipolar II Disorder which is different from regular Bipolar Disorder because of the manic episodes. People who experience hypomanic episodes often have the following symptoms according to this site:
People in a hypomanic state may experience increased anxiety, sleeplessness, good mood, or irritability. The hypomanic state can last for four days or longer, and patients will note a significant difference in feelings from when they are in a depressed state.
Hypomania may also cause people to feel more talkative, result in inflated self-esteem, make people feel as though their thoughts are racing, and in some cases result in rash choices, such as indiscriminate sexual activity or inappropriate spending sprees. Often, the person who feels anxious or irritable and also has bouts of depression is diagnosed with anxiety disorder with depression , or merely anxiety disorder. As such, they do not receive the proper treatment, because if given an anti-depressant alone, the hypomanic state can progress to a manic state, or periods of rapid cycling of mood can occur and cause further emotional disturbance.
So My darling husband has agreed to go with me to my Psychiatrist appointment on Monday to help me describe to the doc what I've been going trough and what exactly has been happening. I talked to my friend about it who has known me quite well over the past 11 years and she agrees that it makes a lot of sense. The problem with Bipolar is that the meds are not very pregnancy friendly, so we'll have to seriously consider our options as far as that goes if Bipolar II is indeed the true diagnosis.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
So I got my cd 3 blood work done on Monday. I also found out that my progesterone was 21.5. My instincts kept telling me it was going to be 21, so I guess I was right. So if I have normal progesterone, why is my luteal phase irregular? Maybe the cd 3 blood work will give me some answers. I'm scheduled for a u/s on the 30th and I have the lab sheet for the hsg. I might go ahead and get that done next Tuesday.
I'll be in San Diego this weekend for my cousin's wedding. That should be nice. I'm looking forward to enjoying San Diego's nice weather. I'll also get to see my BFF which will be fabulous. My sister won't be there, though and I'm pretty bummed about that. It's been too long since I've seen her and I miss her terribly. We talk on the phone all the time, but it's just not the same. It will be really nice to see the rest of the family, though. I haven't seen them since my grandpa's memorial service last September.
I need to get a birthday present for one of the kids I babysit. Her 4th birthday was yesterday. I love shopping for stuff like that. It's so fun. Well, I can't think of anything else, so I guess I'll just sign off.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
G has been sulking all day because we got in this stupid fight this morning about money. It all started with the stupid dust pan. The last one we had sucked and was falling part. It wouldn't pick up anything and we really needed a new one but couldn't afford a good one. So I just picked on up at the dollar store. This one sucks too, but it works. G was yelling at me for buying it because he says it was a waste of money. I said it was better than not having one at all and I didn't see him going out and getting one. He said getting an equally crappy dustpan isn't better either. Then he started going about how I always waste 5 bucks here and 10 bucks there. So I said "Oh, right, it's better to waste 50 bucks at a time." I was referring to the $50 hair cuts he gets every other week. He got mad at me for throwing that in his face saying he's a grown man and works hard and that's the only he does that's not for us. But that's not true. He spends money on just himself more often than I do. He thinks that because he makes more money than me he's entitled to use more of it, regardless of whether we can afford it. He wants to act like we're equal partners when it comes to my money, but not his. Oh I don't know. I'm sure there are areas I could cut back, but I sure would like to see him cut back, too. I'm sorry but while I'm school, it's just not practical to get a $50 hair cut every other week. When I'm employed full-time, sure, but until then, why do I have to be the only one sacrificing? His problem is that he spent most of his life being a criminal so whenever he needed money he'd just go get it. Now he has to work for much less and it's hard. He's not used to not having whatever he wants. I've never had whatever I wanted. My whole life I've had to work hard to barely get by. I'm used to it. He better get used to it too, if he wants to stay married to me. He just needs to realize that life is not going to be easy financially until I'm out of school. That's just the way it is. Especially living in San Francisco.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
I love this time of year. Summer is my favorite season. A few weeks ago I was griping about the cold windy weather saying I wanted my summer weather. Well, I sure got my wish! This past week has been absolutely gorgeous! Man I love this. I so needed it. I've had my infertility consult and have done my progesterone bloods. Now I'm just waiting for af to start any minute/day now so I can schedule my day 14 u/s and a hsg. My doc (Dr. K) said to also get some bloods done on cd 2 or 3 so I guess it depends on if one of those days happens on a day the lab is closed. If that doesn't matter I'll decide based on how much spotting I get before the actual flow. If there's a lot of spotting (like a day or 2) I'll go on cd 2 but if I just start with a regular flow, I'll go on cd 3. I should call the lab to find out the progesterone results. Yeah sure, I'll get right on that. Damn, I'm lazy. I love summer.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
I am now officially an alumni of City College of San Francisco! Woohoo!!!! Last night we had our graduation ceremony. The SF Fire Chief, Joanne Hayes-White, spoke at our graduation. That was kinda cool, but many of us were snickering about her past domestic problems from a couple of years ago. My dad and his wife came up from San Diego for the ceremony which really touched my heart. I wasn't planning on making much of a deal about this, but m dad wanted to come up for it and I had five tickets, so I invited two of my close friends to come too. It was kinda nice having people there to cheer for me. Some people didn't have any cheering, so it made me feel kinda special. I am so fucking relieved to be done with school for the summer! I am really excited to be starting a new school next fall. I'll be at San Francisco State provided that everything goes the way it's supposed to.
I am eagerly awaiting my fertility testing appointment on Tuesday. There can NOT be any rescheduling for this! I'm serious. Come hell or high water, I am GOING to that appointment.
More than anything else, I plan to enjoy my summer break to its fullest. I'll be working a lot, but I din't care because I won't have to worry about SCHOOL and HOMEWORK. *Sigh* it's good to be done.
Monday, May 12, 2008
I can't believe I agreed to babysit yesterday.On top of that, I had two babysitting jobs, back to back. What I really wanted to do was hide away from all the moms and kids at home. I further tortured myself by taking a cheapie hpt last night, which of course was negative. Today my breasts are less sore and getting smaller as the day goes on, so it's pretty safe to say that I'll be bleeding by tomorrow, Wednesday at the latest. For not being able to get pregnant, my body is way to damn predictable. Why is my stupid space bar not working today??? Anyway, I told G that my period will probably be here tomorrow. He hugged me when I got home and had some tears in his eyes. That probably breaks my heart more than anything else, seeing how hard it is for him too. My infertility appointment is 5/27. I had it scheduled for4/23 but had to reschedule because of Bren's surgery. I'm just waiting for the next thing to come up that will make me cancel this appointment too. After all, that's been the precedent so far. I have been waiting to get this testing done since DECEMBER. How much fucking longer is this bullshit going to take? I'm getting to the point where I just don't want to bother with any of it anymore.I don't want to think about it anymore. If my fucking space bar keepsthis shit up I'm going to throw the fucking computer down the fucking stairs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
I took Bren in to the vet this morning so she could get some ultrasounds and x-rays to see if there were any more tumors. Apparently the bump I found on her head is not a tumor, it's just a normal part of her body. So it's just the one lump on her side. The surgery is scheduled for tomorrow. The surgeon said that depending on the actual size and shape of the tumor once it's removed, they will either send it to the lab to be analyzed or just throw it away and be done with it.
So the biggest obstacle is going to be the cost. We have managed to be able to pool some money together from a couple of different sources. My dad is helping us out despite his reluctance, which I appreciate. One of the families I work for advanced me my pay for the next 3 weeks to help pay for it as well. We were also able to get a health care credit card that gave us an initial limit of $500 but may approve more credit in the next day or so. We'll be able to pull this off, even though it will be awfully tight.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
I just found out yesterday my poor sweet baby girl has cancer. We have no idea how we're going to pay for the surgeries and stuff, but we'll do whatever we can. Yesterday afternoon I found a lump on her left side underneath her front leg. The lump is about the size of a quarter. The vet had an opening at 5 pm yesterday so I took her on. They biopsied it and sure enough, it's cancer. This morning I found another lump on her head right by her right ear. They're mast cell tumors and these tumors have the ability to release histamines, so we have to give Bren some Benadryl and also Pepcid, but I'm not sure of the reason for the Pepcid.
So anyone who reads, this please think some good thoughts for Bren Dog. She needs all the good vibes she can get.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
I'm either in school or working 45 hours a week and I have at least 5 hours of homework to do each week. G had the gall to ask me if I could take on more work since were broke right now. I said absolutely not and he got mad! Well, gee, asshole, maybe if you gave up the $50 hair cuts every other week, we'd have some extra money! I admit, I've spent money I didn't need to spend, but how dare he ask me to work more when I already have a full-up schedule and then get mad at me and tell me I need to stop spending money when he's every bit as guilty as I am! If he wants more money coming in, he needs to get a second job. He can be such a self-centered jerk sometimes!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
I would like a day where things go smoothly and I am told "yes everything is all set, you can now move forward." This goes for both my fertility testing and knowing if I'm going to be able to get my associates degree and/or transfer to SF State in the fall. As of today, that is not what is happening. I still don't have the updated authorization from my insurance company for the fertility testing and I found out today that #1 I missed the deadline to hand in my petition for associates degree (it was March 7th) and #2 I am 1 credit short of having the 60 required credits to transfer to SFSU. I can take a shot term class this semester to get that extra credit. I can potentially still get the petition in and they might accept it. So these things aren't bad, but they are very, very annoying. Same with the authorization. I'm sure I'll get it, but why must I continue to wait so fucking long?! Why can't at least one of the important things in my life be settled and taken care of with no bumps? Oh yeah, all this on top of the fact that I'm having another chemical pregnancy miscarriage. Really great day. At least I got an A on my math test, right? Ugh, who cares.
Of course I can't express my feelings about this to my husband because he thinks I'm just being a negative nelly and won't really listen to what I'm saying. Why does he act like I'm not allowed to be frustrated about something? If something upsets me, he doesn't want to hear about it. He criticizes my reaction. I think it's perfectly natural to be annoyed and frustrated by this, even if it is my own fault.
I'm feeling rather alone and isolated lately. I can't relate very well to my friends lately and I don't even have time for them. So I can't talk about this to my friends, either. I guess that's why I have this blog. So I can the feelings out somehow.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
In the beginning of December I started the process of getting fertility testing done since I've been trying to get pregnant for over 2 years now. I was told by my ob/gyn office that I need to get a letter from my GP doc who also G's doc and also an HIV specialist. The letter was to state that it is safe to use G's fresh sperm for testing and possible IUI and would include a copy of his recent blood test showing that his viral load is and had been undetectable for the past few years. It would also show the results of his sperm analysis so that we don't have to go through that again unnecessarily. G and I met with our doctor to have him do this on 12/8/07, but apparently the letter didn't get written until 1/20/08. The authorization I had received from my insurance company to allow the testing expired on 12/31/07. My ob/gyn office was supposed to call me when they received the letter from my GP but the never did. I kept forgetting to call and follow up until today, when they informed me about the authorization being expired. So I now I have to wait some MORE for this authorization to go through a second time. I am so fucking tired of waiting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing gets done because you have to wait so fucking much! I know people are busy and have other things to do, but is it so much to ask to get a requested letter sent out in a timely fashion?! 3 months have been wasted because of this shit. It's ridiculous. It should not take this fucking long. I am so fucking sick of it!
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
I need to stop taking those stupid pregnancy tests before my period is due. All it does it drive me crazy until I start bleeding. I had lines on several tests, but they must have been evaporation lines because I couldn't get positive digital test. Here are a couple of the tests fixed and unfixed:
I know, I know, both blue dye and dollar store tests are very prone to evap lines. They're also less money and I can't stand the idea of spending 12 or more dollars on the brand name tests that have pink dye. They cost way, way more than they rightfully should. It obviously doesn't cost that much to manufacture the tests. Those brand names are making butt-loads of money off of us women who so badly want to have a baby. I absolutely HATE being over-charged for stuff. That's why I refuse to shop at places like Bebe.
At least I'm no longer surprised or bitterly angry when I start bleeding. I'd be surprised if I didn't start bleeding. I'm at the point where becoming pregnant seems like a far-away fairy tale that only happens to other people, like winning the lottery or something.
It's so hard because so many bloggers I love who had so much trouble getting pregnant are now pregnant with their second or just recently gave birth. I STILL can't get pregnant for the first time. I'm so tired of feeling like my body is failing at the one thing it's supposed to be an expert at. I AM a woman, right? I do have a uterus that prepares itself to harbor life every month. I do have breasts that get painful and heavy with the anticipation of feeding a child every month. Somewhere there is a part of me that is not allowing this process to be fully completed. I wish it wasn't so hard to find out what that was so I could fix it.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
I've had to make some pretty serious changes in my life. I've had trouble with drinking in the past and a little over 2 weeks ago it got serious enough that my husband was going to leave me because I was not willing to be honest about my problem. I was getting to the point that I didn't care if I was fucking off my life and I just wanted to get drunk and not think about any of it. When I was drinking, I thought I was on top of game and could do anything. But the truth was, I was a mess. I was losing shit that I'd just gotten, and going through every evening in a haze. I've had many conversations that I can only remember bits and pieces of.
It's embarrassing to realize that I am an alcoholic. I haven't gotten to the point many people do when they have to admit that to themselves, but I do have to admit it none the less. I have had to realize that alcohol is simply not an option for me. I can't just stay away from it for awhile, or just cut back. If I start drinking at all again, I will end up not just in this vicious cycle again, but it will get worse. I have to head this off before it really does fuck off my life. Sure, that may seem like the easy way out, but it is way too hard on the body physically, and my body seems to take it worse than most anyway.
Plus, my birth father was recently diagnosed with diabetes, and he has always avoided sugary drinks because of that same weird sour after-taste that I aways get from sugared soda, tea or gum. He had been sober (had problems with drugs and alcohol BIG TIME which is part of why I was adopted) for many, many years when he was diagnosed, so alcohol consumption was not part of the reason, but I certainly don't want to get that diagnosis one day and not drinking any alcohol could help with that, I hope.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Since my last Google account has been hacked and I have thus far found it impossible to get that account back, I have been forced to start over. So here is my new blog. I went ahead and decided to change the name, too, so I didn't have to make this blog only about trying to get pregnant.