Crushing My Own Hope

Tuesday, February 19, 2008


I need to stop taking those stupid pregnancy tests before my period is due. All it does it drive me crazy until I start bleeding. I had lines on several tests, but they must have been evaporation lines because I couldn't get positive digital test. Here are a couple of the tests fixed and unfixed:

I know, I know, both blue dye and dollar store tests are very prone to evap lines. They're also less money and I can't stand the idea of spending 12 or more dollars on the brand name tests that have pink dye. They cost way, way more than they rightfully should. It obviously doesn't cost that much to manufacture the tests. Those brand names are making butt-loads of money off of us women who so badly want to have a baby. I absolutely HATE being over-charged for stuff. That's why I refuse to shop at places like Bebe.

At least I'm no longer surprised or bitterly angry when I start bleeding. I'd be surprised if I didn't start bleeding. I'm at the point where becoming pregnant seems like a far-away fairy tale that only happens to other people, like winning the lottery or something.

It's so hard because so many bloggers I love who had so much trouble getting pregnant are now pregnant with their second or just recently gave birth. I STILL can't get pregnant for the first time. I'm so tired of feeling like my body is failing at the one thing it's supposed to be an expert at. I AM a woman, right? I do have a uterus that prepares itself to harbor life every month. I do have breasts that get painful and heavy with the anticipation of feeding a child every month. Somewhere there is a part of me that is not allowing this process to be fully completed. I wish it wasn't so hard to find out what that was so I could fix it.