One year ago Tuesday I made the decision to stop drinking for good. It wasn't easy. At all. G was ready to walk out the door because we were fighting a lot and life was just kind of a mess. I had spent that past 3 months drunk almost every evening and more and more often during the day, even in class. I preferred vodka because it didn't give me such bad headaches the next morning. Vodka and diet coke. I almost let G walk out the door so I could be alone with my vodka. I saw myself letting him walk out the door. I saw myself getting shit-faced drunk that night and the next day, and the next until... What? How far was I going to let it take me? I knew then that if I didn't come clean about everything, including the bottle of vodka that I had hidden in a drawer, I was going to die. I thought I had been able to hide my drinking problem. How stupid I had been! As soon as I was able to admit my problem out loud and give G the bottle of vodka I had, he told me he knew and all I had to do was ask for help. So I looked up at him and said, with tears in my eyes, "I need help." He pulled me into his arms and cried with me and told me of course he was going to help me. But he couldn't just continue to stand by and watch me destroy myself and the life we were trying to build together, all the while denying it. I had become such a different person. I had become surly while drinking, and that was so unlike me. I was depressed all the time and just did not want to be a part of reality. I wanted to check out. But that day, one year ago, I had to choose life or death. I was going down hill fast. I am so glad that I chose life.
Friday, January 30, 2009
I did not go to AA meetings for a number of reasons. Mainly, though, I didn't need to. G himself is a recovered addict of some pretty hard core drugs and has been clean and sober for about 15 years now. He was able to help me with what I was going through because he understood it. He never made me feel like I was weak or a bad person. Always the opposite. All of my friends were supportive of me, especially my best friends, one of which has also been through addiction and recovered, the other is currently dealing with her brother's addiction issues. If I needed to talk about it, there was always someone I could talk to. I had used cigarettes to help with the especially bad days. It helped, but around Thanksgiving time, I knew I was ready to be done with them too.
Everyone tells me how proud they are of me for being strong enough to make it to one year. But if it weren't for my wonderful support network, I don't know if I could have, or if I'd had the will power or motivation. Beacuse of G and everyone else, I am not only still here one year later, but I am healthier and happer than I thought possible. So, thank you every one for your awesome support. It meant al lot this past year and will continue to mean the world to me.