One Year

One year ago Tuesday I made the decision to stop drinking for good. It wasn't easy. At all. G was ready to walk out the door because we were fighting a lot and life was just kind of a mess. I had spent that past 3 months drunk almost every evening and more and more often during the day, even in class. I preferred vodka because it didn't give me such bad headaches the next morning. Vodka and diet coke. I almost let G walk out the door so I could be alone with my vodka. I saw myself letting him walk out the door. I saw myself getting shit-faced drunk that night and the next day, and the next until... What? How far was I going to let it take me? I knew then that if I didn't come clean about everything, including the bottle of vodka that I had hidden in a drawer, I was going to die. I thought I had been able to hide my drinking problem. How stupid I had been! As soon as I was able to admit my problem out loud and give G the bottle of vodka I had, he told me he knew and all I had to do was ask for help. So I looked up at him and said, with tears in my eyes, "I need help." He pulled me into his arms and cried with me and told me of course he was going to help me. But he couldn't just continue to stand by and watch me destroy myself and the life we were trying to build together, all the while denying it. I had become such a different person. I had become surly while drinking, and that was so unlike me. I was depressed all the time and just did not want to be a part of reality. I wanted to check out. But that day, one year ago, I had to choose life or death. I was going down hill fast. I am so glad that I chose life. 

I did not go to AA meetings for a number of reasons. Mainly, though, I didn't need to. G himself is a recovered addict of some pretty hard core drugs and has been clean and sober for about 15 years now. He was able to help me with what I was going through because he understood it. He never made me feel like I was weak or a bad person. Always the opposite. All of my friends were supportive of me, especially my best friends, one of which has also been through addiction and recovered, the other is currently dealing with her brother's addiction issues. If I needed to talk about it, there was always someone I could talk to. I had used cigarettes to help with the especially bad days. It helped, but around Thanksgiving time, I knew I was ready to be done with them too. 

Everyone tells me how proud they are of me for being strong enough to make it to one year. But if it weren't for my wonderful support network, I don't know if I could have, or if I'd had the will power or motivation. Beacuse of G and everyone else, I am not only still here one year later, but I am healthier and happer than I thought possible. So, thank you every one for your awesome support. It meant al lot this past year and will continue to mean the world to me. 

A Remarkable Day in History

I stay away from politics on this blog, because I don't like for political views to get in the way of the wonderful connections I've made through the internet, especially the infertility community. I belong to message groups with women who have a wide range of spiritual and political beliefs. In the past, politics have been an extremely divisive issue in this country. I would like to believe that with our new president, this will some day remain in the past.

I strongly feel that in order to help ourselves as much as we can, we need to help everyone else too. In order to make our own lives better, we need to work to make everyone's lives better. I'm not talking about Socialism. I'm talking about basic stuff, like not being greedy, not living in excess, not taking advantage, or even not littering. Most of us are guilty of all of these things to some degree or another. But we also know what the right thing to do is usually. We may not agree on how that should happen or the particulars, but most people in this country do care and want a better life for everyone.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm really glad Barak Obama is our president. I think the fact that we have our first African American president is significant. But more so, I think Mr. Obama himself has the intelligence, strength, and honor to bring this courty back to where it's supposed to be. Perhaps I'm being too optimistic. I don't expect him to be perfect. He is a politician, after all. In fact, I expect it to take his entire first term to clean up this clusterfuck that he has been left with. I do, however I think that the hope his presidency brings to so many people will spark the biggest change in this country. I can see kids finally believeing that it really is possible for them to become anything they want. I can see people work together towards common ground intead of insisting that their way is the only right way.

So today we celebrate. Tomorrow it's time to get down to work, because there's a lot to be done.

My Craptastic Luck Strikes Again

I did get that positive OPK yesterday like I'd been hoping for. Unfortunately I forgot about the holiday today. My doctor's office is not open. So guess what? I won't be able to do the IUI this cycle. I knew that was a possibility. I'm still disappointed. It means another wasted cycle. It means more time to wait. G and I did what we could on our own this afternoon instead. Considering that that has not worked so far in the past 3 years, I have a hard time believing it's going to magically work this time. Hopeful this will help keep me from being so disappointed when AF arrives in two weeks.

Those Dreams are Hard

I had a dream this morning that I had a baby. It was the most realistic, longest-lasting dream I've had about having a baby so far. In my dream I was so happy that I finally had my baby. There were some nursing issues, the baby was having trouble with a good latch, but I finally got it to work ok (I think). Also in my dream, I kept leaving the baby behind and would have to keep going back to find him/her. The baby's sex was never made known in my dream and I apparently didn't care. I remember panicking thinking I was going to find my baby dead if I kept forgetting him/her. Weird. But ,oh man, I was sooo happy to have my baby finally.

Change What You Can, Right?

I didn't (and still don't) know how to change this fertility situation. So I decided to change my blog appearance instead. A Physician's Aid and my ob/gyn office reaturned my call and told me that my insurance won't pay for me to see a fertility specialist until I've done at least 6 IUI's. So we've got 4 more to go before that will happen. She did give me some names to hold on to in case we do get to that point. That means 3.5 more months before I can even think about getting more help with getting pregnant. This cycle I have the risk of missing ovulation because it's most likely going to happen over the weekend. If I get lucky I'll still be able to do an IUI on Monday. Otherwise, I'll have to wait another cycle. *Sigh.* No expecations, right?

So, What Now?

That's exactly what I've been asking myself. IUI #2 didn't work either. I'll probably ovulate over the weekend this cycle, so no IUI for me. I'm thinking maybe I should ask my ob/gyn for a referral to a reproductive specialist. I need more help than the ob/gyn office can provide. Unfortunately that also means I'll probably need to spend more money, too. I hope my insurance will continue to cover at least 50% of everything like they have been. I've been lucky. Maybe I can try some things on my own, like maca root. I feel desperate. I wish I knew what my body needed. It's like a puzzle I can't figure out because I don't even know what kind of puzzle it is, or what it's asking me to do.

The only thing I keep hearing in my head is "No expectations." Over and over again. What does that mean? Why no expectations? I think I know why, but it's so hard. No expectations... It's hard to let go. No expectations... I have to at least try. No expectations...