Changes

I've had to make some pretty serious changes in my life. I've had trouble with drinking in the past and a little over 2 weeks ago it got serious enough that my husband was going to leave me because I was not willing to be honest about my problem. I was getting to the point that I didn't care if I was fucking off my life and I just wanted to get drunk and not think about any of it. When I was drinking, I thought I was on top of game and could do anything. But the truth was, I was a mess. I was losing shit that I'd just gotten, and going through every evening in a haze. I've had many conversations that I can only remember bits and pieces of.

It's embarrassing to realize that I am an alcoholic. I haven't gotten to the point many people do when they have to admit that to themselves, but I do have to admit it none the less. I have had to realize that alcohol is simply not an option for me. I can't just stay away from it for awhile, or just cut back. If I start drinking at all again, I will end up not just in this vicious cycle again, but it will get worse. I have to head this off before it really does fuck off my life. Sure, that may seem like the easy way out, but it is way too hard on the body physically, and my body seems to take it worse than most anyway.

Plus, my birth father was recently diagnosed with diabetes, and he has always avoided sugary drinks because of that same weird sour after-taste that I aways get from sugared soda, tea or gum. He had been sober (had problems with drugs and alcohol BIG TIME which is part of why I was adopted) for many, many years when he was diagnosed, so alcohol consumption was not part of the reason, but I certainly don't want to get that diagnosis one day and not drinking any alcohol could help with that, I hope.