Not as Bad as I Thought

I took Bren in to the vet this morning so she could get some ultrasounds and x-rays to see if there were any more tumors. Apparently the bump I found on her head is not a tumor, it's just a normal part of her body. So it's just the one lump on her side. The surgery is scheduled for tomorrow. The surgeon said that depending on the actual size and shape of the tumor once it's removed, they will either send it to the lab to be analyzed or just throw it away and be done with it.

So the biggest obstacle is going to be the cost. We have managed to be able to pool some money together from a couple of different sources. My dad is helping us out despite his reluctance, which I appreciate. One of the families I work for advanced me my pay for the next 3 weeks to help pay for it as well. We were also able to get a health care credit card that gave us an initial limit of $500 but may approve more credit in the next day or so. We'll be able to pull this off, even though it will be awfully tight.

My Poor Bren Dog

I just found out yesterday my poor sweet baby girl has cancer. We have no idea how we're going to pay for the surgeries and stuff, but we'll do whatever we can. Yesterday afternoon I found a lump on her left side underneath her front leg. The lump is about the size of a quarter. The vet had an opening at 5 pm yesterday so I took her on. They biopsied it and sure enough, it's cancer. This morning I found another lump on her head right by her right ear. They're mast cell tumors and these tumors have the ability to release histamines, so we have to give Bren some Benadryl and also Pepcid, but I'm not sure of the reason for the Pepcid.

So anyone who reads, this please think some good thoughts for Bren Dog. She needs all the good vibes she can get.

I Hate Being Married Sometimes

I'm either in school or working 45 hours a week and I have at least 5 hours of homework to do each week. G had the gall to ask me if I could take on more work since were broke right now. I said absolutely not and he got mad! Well, gee, asshole, maybe if you gave up the $50 hair cuts every other week, we'd have some extra money! I admit, I've spent money I didn't need to spend, but how dare he ask me to work more when I already have a full-up schedule and then get mad at me and tell me I need to stop spending money when he's every bit as guilty as I am! If he wants more money coming in, he needs to get a second job. He can be such a self-centered jerk sometimes!

Ugh

I would like a day where things go smoothly and I am told "yes everything is all set, you can now move forward." This goes for both my fertility testing and knowing if I'm going to be able to get my associates degree and/or transfer to SF State in the fall. As of today, that is not what is happening. I still don't have the updated authorization from my insurance company for the fertility testing and I found out today that #1 I missed the deadline to hand in my petition for associates degree (it was March 7th) and #2 I am 1 credit short of having the 60 required credits to transfer to SFSU. I can take a shot term class this semester to get that extra credit. I can potentially still get the petition in and they might accept it. So these things aren't bad, but they are very, very annoying. Same with the authorization. I'm sure I'll get it, but why must I continue to wait so fucking long?! Why can't at least one of the important things in my life be settled and taken care of with no bumps? Oh yeah, all this on top of the fact that I'm having another chemical pregnancy miscarriage. Really great day. At least I got an A on my math test, right? Ugh, who cares.

Of course I can't express my feelings about this to my husband because he thinks I'm just being a negative nelly and won't really listen to what I'm saying. Why does he act like I'm not allowed to be frustrated about something? If something upsets me, he doesn't want to hear about it. He criticizes my reaction. I think it's perfectly natural to be annoyed and frustrated by this, even if it is my own fault.

I'm feeling rather alone and isolated lately. I can't relate very well to my friends lately and I don't even have time for them. So I can't talk about this to my friends, either. I guess that's why I have this blog. So I can the feelings out somehow.

Yes, We Are Trying to Torture You

In the beginning of December I started the process of getting fertility testing done since I've been trying to get pregnant for over 2 years now. I was told by my ob/gyn office that I need to get a letter from my GP doc who also G's doc and also an HIV specialist. The letter was to state that it is safe to use G's fresh sperm for testing and possible IUI and would include a copy of his recent blood test showing that his viral load is and had been undetectable for the past few years. It would also show the results of his sperm analysis so that we don't have to go through that again unnecessarily. G and I met with our doctor to have him do this on 12/8/07, but apparently the letter didn't get written until 1/20/08. The authorization I had received from my insurance company to allow the testing expired on 12/31/07. My ob/gyn office was supposed to call me when they received the letter from my GP but the never did. I kept forgetting to call and follow up until today, when they informed me about the authorization being expired. So I now I have to wait some MORE for this authorization to go through a second time. I am so fucking tired of waiting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing gets done because you have to wait so fucking much! I know people are busy and have other things to do, but is it so much to ask to get a requested letter sent out in a timely fashion?! 3 months have been wasted because of this shit. It's ridiculous. It should not take this fucking long. I am so fucking sick of it!

Crushing My Own Hope

I need to stop taking those stupid pregnancy tests before my period is due. All it does it drive me crazy until I start bleeding. I had lines on several tests, but they must have been evaporation lines because I couldn't get positive digital test. Here are a couple of the tests fixed and unfixed:

I know, I know, both blue dye and dollar store tests are very prone to evap lines. They're also less money and I can't stand the idea of spending 12 or more dollars on the brand name tests that have pink dye. They cost way, way more than they rightfully should. It obviously doesn't cost that much to manufacture the tests. Those brand names are making butt-loads of money off of us women who so badly want to have a baby. I absolutely HATE being over-charged for stuff. That's why I refuse to shop at places like Bebe.

At least I'm no longer surprised or bitterly angry when I start bleeding. I'd be surprised if I didn't start bleeding. I'm at the point where becoming pregnant seems like a far-away fairy tale that only happens to other people, like winning the lottery or something.

It's so hard because so many bloggers I love who had so much trouble getting pregnant are now pregnant with their second or just recently gave birth. I STILL can't get pregnant for the first time. I'm so tired of feeling like my body is failing at the one thing it's supposed to be an expert at. I AM a woman, right? I do have a uterus that prepares itself to harbor life every month. I do have breasts that get painful and heavy with the anticipation of feeding a child every month. Somewhere there is a part of me that is not allowing this process to be fully completed. I wish it wasn't so hard to find out what that was so I could fix it.

Changes

I've had to make some pretty serious changes in my life. I've had trouble with drinking in the past and a little over 2 weeks ago it got serious enough that my husband was going to leave me because I was not willing to be honest about my problem. I was getting to the point that I didn't care if I was fucking off my life and I just wanted to get drunk and not think about any of it. When I was drinking, I thought I was on top of game and could do anything. But the truth was, I was a mess. I was losing shit that I'd just gotten, and going through every evening in a haze. I've had many conversations that I can only remember bits and pieces of.

It's embarrassing to realize that I am an alcoholic. I haven't gotten to the point many people do when they have to admit that to themselves, but I do have to admit it none the less. I have had to realize that alcohol is simply not an option for me. I can't just stay away from it for awhile, or just cut back. If I start drinking at all again, I will end up not just in this vicious cycle again, but it will get worse. I have to head this off before it really does fuck off my life. Sure, that may seem like the easy way out, but it is way too hard on the body physically, and my body seems to take it worse than most anyway.

Plus, my birth father was recently diagnosed with diabetes, and he has always avoided sugary drinks because of that same weird sour after-taste that I aways get from sugared soda, tea or gum. He had been sober (had problems with drugs and alcohol BIG TIME which is part of why I was adopted) for many, many years when he was diagnosed, so alcohol consumption was not part of the reason, but I certainly don't want to get that diagnosis one day and not drinking any alcohol could help with that, I hope.