Whatever

Last cycle was full of weird shit. First I ovulated earlier than normal. At least I think I did. I forgot to take an OPK on CD 13 and they were all negative CD 14-16, getting lighter, looking very much post-surge. Then my period arrives late, making me think I might be possibly pregnant. Of course I wasn't, or if I was it was another chemical and it didn't register on the digital test I took. On the plus side, being late means that I will ovulate during the week now and can do another IUI. That's good, at least. G was all excited about me possibly being pregnant. Because I thought I ovulated on CD 13, I had what I thought was an 18-day luteal phase which is the longest I've ever had. When I look back on the cycles where I've done OPK's it seems like I usually get 2 + opk's and FF usually has me ovulating on the second day of getting a +. If I only got one + FF usually has me ovulating the day of or the day after. How am I supposed to know if I should do my IUI the same day as a + opk or the day after? I'd been doing my IUI's the same day as the + opk. Maybe this time I should try doing it the day after? Whatever. I'm just glad I actually have a chance this cycle. I hate all this time-wasting! I think I've said that before... You know this shit has gone on way too long when you keep repeating yourself in blog posts.

AGAIN?!

Holy shit, I've got bad luck! It was bad enough that I was due to ovulate right around another holiday weekend, but there was hope. Key word: WAS. If I had ovulated when I normally do, I might have ovulated yesterday and would have been out for IUI, but I also could have ovulated today and still had a chance to do it tomorrow. Instead, I ovulated early, just to make sure I had no chance for an IUI this cycle. GREAT! I only had 3 OPK's left so I waited until yesterday (cd 14) to do a test.  99% of the time the test will be + or almost + on cd 14. Yesterday the test was so far from being + that I could tell I had probably already ovulated. Still, I thought there might be a chance that I was ovulating late this cycle, so I took another opk test today. It was even more negative than yesterday's. So that's that. I just feel like screaming. Really really loudly. I hate this. I really really hate this. Wouldn't it be nice if I actually had something new to say?

ETA: I just checked my cycle planner on Fertility Friend. According to that, if my cycle is as regular as it usually is, I'l probably ovulate over the weekend again next cycle. Chances are good that I'm not going to be able to do another IUI until April. Amazing. 

My Craptastic Luck Strikes Again

I did get that positive OPK yesterday like I'd been hoping for. Unfortunately I forgot about the holiday today. My doctor's office is not open. So guess what? I won't be able to do the IUI this cycle. I knew that was a possibility. I'm still disappointed. It means another wasted cycle. It means more time to wait. G and I did what we could on our own this afternoon instead. Considering that that has not worked so far in the past 3 years, I have a hard time believing it's going to magically work this time. Hopeful this will help keep me from being so disappointed when AF arrives in two weeks.

Those Dreams are Hard

I had a dream this morning that I had a baby. It was the most realistic, longest-lasting dream I've had about having a baby so far. In my dream I was so happy that I finally had my baby. There were some nursing issues, the baby was having trouble with a good latch, but I finally got it to work ok (I think). Also in my dream, I kept leaving the baby behind and would have to keep going back to find him/her. The baby's sex was never made known in my dream and I apparently didn't care. I remember panicking thinking I was going to find my baby dead if I kept forgetting him/her. Weird. But ,oh man, I was sooo happy to have my baby finally.

Change What You Can, Right?

I didn't (and still don't) know how to change this fertility situation. So I decided to change my blog appearance instead. A Physician's Aid and my ob/gyn office reaturned my call and told me that my insurance won't pay for me to see a fertility specialist until I've done at least 6 IUI's. So we've got 4 more to go before that will happen. She did give me some names to hold on to in case we do get to that point. That means 3.5 more months before I can even think about getting more help with getting pregnant. This cycle I have the risk of missing ovulation because it's most likely going to happen over the weekend. If I get lucky I'll still be able to do an IUI on Monday. Otherwise, I'll have to wait another cycle. *Sigh.* No expecations, right?

So, What Now?

That's exactly what I've been asking myself. IUI #2 didn't work either. I'll probably ovulate over the weekend this cycle, so no IUI for me. I'm thinking maybe I should ask my ob/gyn for a referral to a reproductive specialist. I need more help than the ob/gyn office can provide. Unfortunately that also means I'll probably need to spend more money, too. I hope my insurance will continue to cover at least 50% of everything like they have been. I've been lucky. Maybe I can try some things on my own, like maca root. I feel desperate. I wish I knew what my body needed. It's like a puzzle I can't figure out because I don't even know what kind of puzzle it is, or what it's asking me to do.

The only thing I keep hearing in my head is "No expectations." Over and over again. What does that mean? Why no expectations? I think I know why, but it's so hard. No expectations... It's hard to let go. No expectations... I have to at least try. No expectations...

Trying Again

So I did the 2nd IUI 2 weeks ago as of this Friday. I refuse to test before af is due to show. I'm waiting until 18 dpo to test since I've never made it that far. Plus I seriously hate HPT's now, and they obviously don't like me either. So I can and will wait. I don't need to see anymore negative tests. It's way too depressing.

It Didn't Work

I was not able to pretend nothing happened. Therefore I was not able to prevent the massive disappointment I felt when I saw this morning's BFN. It's 14 dpo, so the chances of me getting a positive are pretty fucking slim. I have so many mixed feelings. The biggest feeling is extreme hatred for my body right now. Why is it that so many crack whore bitches can get pregnant, but I can't because I drink caffeine? I want to try something other than clomid this next cycle. It feels wrong to have any hope at all. I am just so angry at myself for not being good enough. I knew there wasn't a high chance of it working th first time, but after so long, how could I not hope it would work? G told his family about the IUI and they put us on a prayer list. Now he gets to tll them it didn't work. I hope he doesn't tell them about future IUI's. I hate getting so excited about something that's probably not going to work. GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
I am so fucking upset about this right now and I really have no right to be. I should have expected this.

Trying To Pretend Nothing Happened

So, I finally got that IUI done last Thursday. They said G's spermies looked really great post-wash. They double-washed it. So, let's hope the egg got fertilized and it implants like it's supposed to. I'm trying to pretend like nothing happened, just as the title says, but I'm not having much success. Hope and fear create a really srange mixture. Fertility Friend says my test date is next Friday. We'll see what happens... I hope I can stay sane.

Hope? No, Haven't Seen Her Around Lately

Not everything sucks in my life. G's blood tests came back and he does not have the active virus. My blood tests also came back normal. None of that means very much, except that we don't have hep c. We are, however, getting another room mate. That means less space in the house and less privacy. It means having to shuffle all the rooms around again (and everything had just recently settled down after painting). Most of all it means moving backwards rather than forwards.

Today I realized that my first aid bag where I keep my meds is missing. No anti-anxiety/ depression meds and no ADD meds makes for a very ugly day. Of course my school's lost and found office isn't open until 2 pm Tuesdays and Thursdays. How helpful! Especially since my class starts at 2 pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Assholes.

Gah!

How is Clomid supposed to help me get pregnant if G and I are at each others throats because of the side-effects? It doesn't make me want to get romantic with him (like there's ever been romance ) and it certainly discourages him from wanting anything to do with me. Normally we bd right after af is over. Not so much this time. No for lack of wanting to on my part. But I've been a royal bitch (but really trying not to be) and that makes for a husband that doesn't even want to talk to me let alone have sex with me. Ugh. I really, really hope this works because going through another cycle of this sounds about as much fun as sticking my fingers in a meat grinder.

Something Different

We are well on our way toward IUI early next week. Finally we're doing something truly different with ttc. Hopefully we'll get some good results. I have an ultrasound on Friday to check my follicles, makes sure they're growing the way they're supposed to. I'm glad we're doing a follie check. A sick, sick part of me is hoping for twins (specifically boy and girl) and I want to see if my eggs are cooperating. I would kind of prefer to have twins so that I can have my 2 kids and be done with it in one pregnancy. I really don't want to have an only child, but because of time and resources, I feel like this is our big chance to conceive now. Once we've conceived successfully, it's going to be hard to convince ourselves to go through all of this again when we already have a little one in the house. So, yeah. Hoping for twins. I have got to be completely insane. Yep. Yes I am.

The End is Near

Of summer, that is. School starts in just a couple of weeks. I'm registered for all of my classes. I'm taking a beginner's karate class. I'm so psyched! I'm also taking a metaphysics class that I'm really, really looking forward to. That kind of philosophy is right up my alley. At least my school schedule is fairly easy. Work is going to be...different. I've had virtually the same schedule for over a year now and that's all going to change when I start back to school. I'm really nervous about being able to make enough money during the semester, but I can't worry about it too much. I just need to let everything fall into place. What ever happens, happens and I will make it work one way or another. I just gotta keep telling myself that.

I found out recently that my aunt Linda has small-cell lung cancer. It's a very aggressive form of cancer and if it spreads there's pretty much no hope of survival. When she was diagnosed, they had found the cancer cells in her liver. Her doctors say she could potentially live for another year, but he thinks she has about 6 months or so. Right now my aunt has an upper respiratory infection and has swelling from water retention. She's feeling pretty awful and not up for any visitors. I hope she feels well enough for visitors soon. I'd really like a chance to see her one more time before she goes. If not, I will always value the time we were able to spend together last summer when my grandpa was dying, but I would much prefer to see her at least once more.

I'm now on my 35th cycle of trying to conceive. My doc wants me to get a few more blood tests done for prolactin, thyroid, and antibodies, I guess. If those all turn up normal, I think the next thing to do is talk about removing the polyp I have. I'm all for it. It's annoying that this polyp is making my periods longer. They used to last 4-5 days, now it's at least 7 days. I hate that. If I got pregnant this cycle, my due date would be on G's birthday. He would LOVE that. Of course there is no reason to believe I'd get pregnant this cycle, but who the hell knows? Weirder things have happened.

So my summer is coming to an end. I don't think I've read nearly enough fun books this summer. I'd like to read at least one more before school starts, maybe two. I'll squeeze every last drop out of summer vacation as much as I possibly can.

Just Stuff

When I saw my doc about the possibility of being bi-polar he agreed that I could have some of the symptoms, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it is bi-polar. He said he is more conservative with bi-polar diagnoses because of his experience while he was in training. He was at a clinic that encouraged bi-polar diagnoses because of the funding they could get. I was really grateful that he wanted to be conservative about it. I've been documenting my mood swings so I can tell him about them more accurately. So right now, that's kind of an on-going process. I still want to find a hypnotherapist but I want one that does regular talk therapy as well so I can get insurance to pay for it. Doing the research for that takes time I don't really have. But I do need to make it a priority.

I'm registered for some of my classes at SFSU. I went to orientation and was able to do it then. Going to orientation allowed me to register for classes before any new transfers who didn't go. That's kind of nice. As it turns out, I can't take any of their child development classes until I take Intro Psych. If I had known that I would have taken it at CCSF, but no one told me. Oh well, at least I was able to get in the Intro Psych class. There was only one class available when I registered. Apparently they're huge classes, though, so not too hard to get into. Having such a big class will probably make it harder to get to know th professor like I was able to at CCSF, but I'll make a point to do it anyway. I learned that it makes a big difference.

I had my HSG done Friday. It actually went well. Both tubes are open, although the right tube took longer to fill with liquid. They confirmed that there's a polyp or something. Said it was pea-sized. Still haven't heard from my OB/GYN if I'm supposed to do anything about it or not. I'll wait a few weeks for the HSG results to get in, then I'll call again and ask about it. I'm hoping the HSG helped open everything up and make it easier for my eggs to travel down the tubes. Maybe I'll get pg this cycle and not need the IUI? One can dream, can't they?

Nothin' Special

So I got my cd 3 blood work done on Monday. I also found out that my progesterone was 21.5. My instincts kept telling me it was going to be 21, so I guess I was right. So if I have normal progesterone, why is my luteal phase irregular? Maybe the cd 3 blood work will give me some answers. I'm scheduled for a u/s on the 30th and I have the lab sheet for the hsg. I might go ahead and get that done next Tuesday.

I'll be in San Diego this weekend for my cousin's wedding. That should be nice. I'm looking forward to enjoying San Diego's nice weather. I'll also get to see my BFF which will be fabulous. My sister won't be there, though and I'm pretty bummed about that. It's been too long since I've seen her and I miss her terribly. We talk on the phone all the time, but it's just not the same. It will be really nice to see the rest of the family, though. I haven't seen them since my grandpa's memorial service last September.

I need to get a birthday present for one of the kids I babysit. Her 4th birthday was yesterday. I love shopping for stuff like that. It's so fun. Well, I can't think of anything else, so I guess I'll just sign off.

I love this time of year. Summer is my favorite season. A few weeks ago I was griping about the cold windy weather saying I wanted my summer weather. Well, I sure got my wish! This past week has been absolutely gorgeous! Man I love this. I so needed it. I've had my infertility consult and have done my progesterone bloods. Now I'm just waiting for af to start any minute/day now so I can schedule my day 14 u/s and a hsg. My doc (Dr. K) said to also get some bloods done on cd 2 or 3 so I guess it depends on if one of those days happens on a day the lab is closed. If that doesn't matter I'll decide based on how much spotting I get before the actual flow. If there's a lot of spotting (like a day or 2) I'll go on cd 2 but if I just start with a regular flow, I'll go on cd 3. I should call the lab to find out the progesterone results. Yeah sure, I'll get right on that. Damn, I'm lazy. I love summer.

What a Relief!

I am now officially an alumni of City College of San Francisco! Woohoo!!!! Last night we had our graduation ceremony. The SF Fire Chief, Joanne Hayes-White, spoke at our graduation. That was kinda cool, but many of us were snickering about her past domestic problems from a couple of years ago. My dad and his wife came up from San Diego for the ceremony which really touched my heart. I wasn't planning on making much of a deal about this, but m dad wanted to come up for it and I had five tickets, so I invited two of my close friends to come too. It was kinda nice having people there to cheer for me. Some people didn't have any cheering, so it made me feel kinda special. I am so fucking relieved to be done with school for the summer! I am really excited to be starting a new school next fall. I'll be at San Francisco State provided that everything goes the way it's supposed to.

I am eagerly awaiting my fertility testing appointment on Tuesday. There can NOT be any rescheduling for this! I'm serious. Come hell or high water, I am GOING to that appointment.

More than anything else, I plan to enjoy my summer break to its fullest. I'll be working a lot, but I din't care because I won't have to worry about SCHOOL and HOMEWORK. *Sigh* it's good to be done.

I Must Be a Glutton for Punishment

I can't believe I agreed to babysit yesterday.On top of that, I had two babysitting jobs, back to back. What I really wanted to do was hide away from all the moms and kids at home. I further tortured myself by taking a cheapie hpt last night, which of course was negative. Today my breasts are less sore and getting smaller as the day goes on, so it's pretty safe to say that I'll be bleeding by tomorrow, Wednesday at the latest. For not being able to get pregnant, my body is way to damn predictable. Why is my stupid space bar not working today??? Anyway, I told G that my period will probably be here tomorrow. He hugged me when I got home and had some tears in his eyes. That probably breaks my heart more than anything else, seeing how hard it is for him too. My infertility appointment is 5/27. I had it scheduled for4/23 but had to reschedule because of Bren's surgery. I'm just waiting for the next thing to come up that will make me cancel this appointment too. After all, that's been the precedent so far. I have been waiting to get this testing done since DECEMBER. How much fucking longer is this bullshit going to take? I'm getting to the point where I just don't want to bother with any of it anymore.I don't want to think about it anymore. If my fucking space bar keepsthis shit up I'm going to throw the fucking computer down the fucking stairs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh

I would like a day where things go smoothly and I am told "yes everything is all set, you can now move forward." This goes for both my fertility testing and knowing if I'm going to be able to get my associates degree and/or transfer to SF State in the fall. As of today, that is not what is happening. I still don't have the updated authorization from my insurance company for the fertility testing and I found out today that #1 I missed the deadline to hand in my petition for associates degree (it was March 7th) and #2 I am 1 credit short of having the 60 required credits to transfer to SFSU. I can take a shot term class this semester to get that extra credit. I can potentially still get the petition in and they might accept it. So these things aren't bad, but they are very, very annoying. Same with the authorization. I'm sure I'll get it, but why must I continue to wait so fucking long?! Why can't at least one of the important things in my life be settled and taken care of with no bumps? Oh yeah, all this on top of the fact that I'm having another chemical pregnancy miscarriage. Really great day. At least I got an A on my math test, right? Ugh, who cares.

Of course I can't express my feelings about this to my husband because he thinks I'm just being a negative nelly and won't really listen to what I'm saying. Why does he act like I'm not allowed to be frustrated about something? If something upsets me, he doesn't want to hear about it. He criticizes my reaction. I think it's perfectly natural to be annoyed and frustrated by this, even if it is my own fault.

I'm feeling rather alone and isolated lately. I can't relate very well to my friends lately and I don't even have time for them. So I can't talk about this to my friends, either. I guess that's why I have this blog. So I can the feelings out somehow.

Yes, We Are Trying to Torture You

In the beginning of December I started the process of getting fertility testing done since I've been trying to get pregnant for over 2 years now. I was told by my ob/gyn office that I need to get a letter from my GP doc who also G's doc and also an HIV specialist. The letter was to state that it is safe to use G's fresh sperm for testing and possible IUI and would include a copy of his recent blood test showing that his viral load is and had been undetectable for the past few years. It would also show the results of his sperm analysis so that we don't have to go through that again unnecessarily. G and I met with our doctor to have him do this on 12/8/07, but apparently the letter didn't get written until 1/20/08. The authorization I had received from my insurance company to allow the testing expired on 12/31/07. My ob/gyn office was supposed to call me when they received the letter from my GP but the never did. I kept forgetting to call and follow up until today, when they informed me about the authorization being expired. So I now I have to wait some MORE for this authorization to go through a second time. I am so fucking tired of waiting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing gets done because you have to wait so fucking much! I know people are busy and have other things to do, but is it so much to ask to get a requested letter sent out in a timely fashion?! 3 months have been wasted because of this shit. It's ridiculous. It should not take this fucking long. I am so fucking sick of it!