Another School Year About to Start

As long as everything goes at it should and I keep my shit together, this will be my last year as an undergrad. I am excited about school because it means interacting with adults again and getting out of the house on a regular basis, having a schedule. It also means Cole is going back to school and playing with other kids, someone else gets to do diaper duty and clean up after him. Good stuff. We had a lot of fun this summer, but I didn't get out and take him to playgrounds as much as I wanted to. I am so bad at creating a schedule for myself when I don't have something to go and do. I have learned this summer that I am NOT cut out to be a stay at home mom and homemaker. Some women are good at that. I am not one of them. While I did love having that time with Cole, I feel like it is better for both of us when I am in responsible mode for school. I just allow myself to relax and slip back into bad habits over the summer. Cole's bed time was ridiculously late most of the summer. I am ready to initiate a nice regular bedtime so I can make sure he gets enough sleep. We'll see how that works out. *smirk*

I thought I was going to get more babysitting jobs over the summer. I applied for a few and only got a couple of responses. The problem is that I can't just drop what I am doing and meet with the parents for an interview whenever it's convenient for them. I have a kid too. Parents don't want to have to care about their babysitter's kids. So I ended up up getting a LOT less work than I imagined for the summer. Oh well. My former neighbor was (is?) interested in having me bring Cole to watch her LO (who is only 5 days younger than Cole) at her house a couple of days a week. At first she was talking about the end of August/Beginning of September. Now she is saying possibly October. She is a bit of a flake and I doubt it will happen. But it would be nice if it did happen because it bring in an extra $100 a week which would help so much. But besides the fact that she is a flake, I also have to worry about moving my car while babysitting unless I get a neighborhood parking permit. Without one, there is only 2 hour parking allowed in the neighborhood (almost all neighborhoods in SF have this) or I get a ticket. So, like I said, chances are this isn't going to happen. But a girl can hope, right?

Well, better get to bed. Big day tomorrow!

Too Much Bad Luck

Of course it's mostly my fault. First I found out that I missed the deadline to sign up for internship in the fall. Internship is required to graduate. Then I found out I missed my early priority registration date so I can't register for any classes until one month before classes start. Now I find out I have maxed out my student loans and have to scramble to find a way to pay for my last year at SFSU. As if we're not struggling as it is. There is a chance this means that Cole won't be able to go to the school daycare in the fall which breaks my heart the most. He was really flourishing there, making friends. It was so fun for him. The daycare provides him with a social learning environment that I just can't duplicate at home. I know we will find a way to make this work, but I am just floored at the road blocks I'm running into. I am so close to getting my BA. I HAVE to finish!! And I desperately want Cole to keep going to the daycare. It is so good for him. I was hoping to enjoy being done with the semester but now I just have something else school-related to stress about. Gaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

ETA: Now that my last final is done and I just have my paper left, I am feeling a little less anxious. But I still have a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Just Livin' Life

School is kicking my butt this semester. My grades are decent enough, from what I know, but it's a bit overwhelming. I just never have enough time for anything. I keep putting off getting Cole's hair cut even though it badly needs it because I either don't have the time or don't have the money. It's frustrating. I have a few big papers and projects coming up and I am scared to death of them.

I also have a very long drive to southern California coming up the weekend after Thanksgiving that scares the shit out of me. 10-month-olds don't do very well on long car trips in general and Cole doesn't do well in cars. It's a month away and I am so, so nervous about this. I'm going to be in a wedding and I am also really nervous about how Cole will do during the wedding. I may end up having to hold him during the ceremony. Boy I hope it's a short one! The only other person Cole knows really well that will be there is also in the wedding. He's generally OK when it comes to strangers, but I am usually right there so he can go back to me if he gets nervous. Gah!!! I'm going to have to do most of the driving, too, so it's going to be an exhausting trip. The worst part is that I have to go to school the next day after we get back. Waaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!! I want so badly to be able to look forward to this wedding but I am absolutely dreading it. I can't say I am not able to go because that means my friend who is also in the wedding won't be able to go either unless she flies which she can't afford to do (neither can I, which is why we're driving). I hate, hate, hate that I am dreading one of my best friend's wedding and I feel like such a bad friend for it. Leaving Cole at home really isn't a good option because he won't sleep without me there which means G won't either. Plus I would have to pump like crazy to make sure there was enough milk for him and I would have to pump while I was in So Cal and I don't have any good way to store that milk. So it would basically end up being even more work to not bring Cole and just as stressful. We'll get through it and then it will be over with. *sigh*

Back to School

School started last week. but this week was my first full week of school. Mondays are the hardest because I'm in school for 8 hours and I really hate being away from Cole for so long. I have been so spoiled being able to be with him so much. I don't know how working mothers do it 5 days a week. My friend K is taking care of him which makes me feel tons better, but on Monday afternoon he was crying when I called to check in on them and it made me cry. I just wanted to leave school and go to him. I'm so glad I have this Monday off for Labor Day! It will get better, though, I'm sure. It is nice to be back on campus. Taking on-line classes is actually a lot harder in some ways. Plus, being on campus around other adults is good for me. I am taking an aerobics class which I love even though it's been kicking my butt so far. I sure hope it helps me lose some more of this baby weight!

I have finally started to be able to get Cole to soothe himself asleep again. It was hit and miss for awhile but he has been increasingly difficult to rock or nurse to sleep so I had little choice but to find another way. He actually just fell asleep for his morning nap. I have him on a slightly more consistent routine than I had been doing before which I think helps immensely. I was not consistent enough with our routine before and I know that made it harder for him to be able to get to sleep. Having a school schedule already in place helps me a lot with that.

Cole turns 8 months in a couple of weeks. He can do an army crawl really well. His movements are becoming a lot more organized into a cross-crawl patter even though he isn't up on his hands and knees yet. When he first started the army or belly crawl he would push mostly with one leg while the other dragged behind a little bit. Now he uses both legs and arms equally. I have heard about babies staying with the belly crawl and never moving to a standard crawl. I don't know if that's what Cole will do or not but it seems to me like he is progressing to a standard crawl. I have a feeling that in the next month he will start to get up on his hands and knees.

He has had his bottom 2 teeth since the first week of July. He actually got his first tooth on our wedding anniversary - June 29th. He got his 2nd tooth exactly a week later. Now his top right tooth is trying to come through. I believe the bottom right was the first one to come through. So it is happening in a very orderly fashion. It feels like his tooth is right there ready to pop through the gums any minute, but it could also still have another week to go. Poor bubs. Between teething and the recent hot weather we've been getting it has been hard for him to sleep. Which means I haven't been getting very good sleep either. The weather is cooling down a bit which hopefully means better sleep for all. This warm weather is our summer, actually. Too bad summer starts when school starts back. :o( Oh well, at least we get some semblance of warm weather, right?

Anyway, some pics of Cole from August:




Here are a couple from the 6-month photo shoot we did at home:

40 Weeks Tomorrow

I can't believe I'm here. I have arrived at my due date and Baby Cole is still kicking and rolling and doing whatever it is he does in there. My closest loved ones call me every day to ask how I'm doing or how I'm feeling, if I think he will be here soon. On the one hand, I love that they are all nearly as eager as I am. On the other hand, it's driving me bat shit crazy! Poor G is going crazy himself, wondering when this is going to happen. He likes his life to be nice and predictable. Having to be in this wait and see place is nearly torture for him. If I don't go into labor before then, my next appointment is on Thursday. I will discuss scheduling an induction with the doc then. The nurse told me last week that they won't let me go longer than 10 days past my due date. So at the very latest Cole will be here by the 16th or 17th, depending on what time the induction is scheduled and how long labor takes. I very much do not want to be induced, so anyone reading this, please send some good vibes/prayers that Cole makes his appearance before then. My sis is coming into town Thursday morning and leaving the following Tuesday. It would be nice if Cole is born while she's here.

Oh yeah, one piece of awesome news: I got straight A's this semester! I have never done that in my life! I was hooting and hollering and jumping for joy when I saw my grades posted online. And to think I did that while pregnant and not taking any meds. Hopefully that trend will continue for the spring semester with my online classes. If so, I can see staying off my meds for good. I recognize that due to past depression and anxiety I am at risk for postpartum depression and have told my ob as well as Cole pediatrician about it so they can check in with me. But I feel pretty good about it as of right now. I really hope I am able to stay off my meds. That would be great.

In other news, last Tuesday my cousin did a maternity photo shoot with me. I've only seen one of the photos so far and I am absolutely dying to see the rest. Anyway, hopefully my next post will be announcing Cole's arrival. My maternity pic is below:

Where Has the Time Gone??!!

I have 5 weeks left until my due date - 35 days!!!! Time is just flying by! Thanksgiving was great. I got to see a lot of my family that lives around the Bay Area, whom I don't get to see very often, since I don't have a car (and we're all busy). I also had my second baby shower on Saturday. My friend K's mom threw the shower for me. It was lots of fun. Great food, fun games, and awesome presents I must say. Now I just need to get through the rest of classes and finals in the next few weeks, then I can devote all my energy to getting Cole's things washed and put away and setting his nursery up. We ordered the crib yesterday and should be getting that this weekend or beginning of next week. We also bought a washer & drier that we should be getting on Friday. I am so happy that we are getting close to having everything ready. G said yesterday that he is starting to get butterflies in his stomach in regards to Cole's arrival. I've been feeling them. But it does seem like they're getting stronger the closer we get. I e-mailed my professor for my on-line class, explaining that I will be 37 weeks the day of our final, asking what I should do if I happen to g o into labor or I'm in the hospital that day. He told me to just send him an e-mail if I can and he would give me an incomplete so I can schedule a later time to take the final. I'm glad to have some kind of plan in place, but I've been telling Cole that he really needs to stay in there until after finals are over. And he needs to stay healthy!!

Here is a picture taken of me at my baby shower Saturday:

Plus here's one of just my big belly:

Down to Two Digits!

As of today, I have 98 days left until my due date. Wow! In some ways it feels like time is dragging by, but in other ways it feels like time is flying. Yesterday I noticed some droplets of colostrum coming from my nipples. I know it sounds really weird, but I was happy about it. I thought, "My boobies are working!" I am 26 weeks today. Fertility Friend says if Cole were to be born now, he has 85% chance of survival. Those are pretty decent odds. Not that it matters. Cole needs to stay put until at least 39 weeks. I know they say 38 weeks is considered term these days, but I've also heard that boys generally need a little more time than girls to be fully developed. So, as far as I'm concerned, he needs to stay put until he is completely ready to come out.

It has been so wonderful feeling his kicks and watching my belly move around from his kicks and whatever else he's doing in there. Sometimes I'll play a little game with Cole where I'll push my belly right where he kicked and he'll kick back. We do that back and forth for a bit. It always makes me smile or laugh. It still scares me how attached I am to this little guy. I mean I knew in theory that it would be like this, but no one really knows exactly how it feels until they actually go through it. There have been a lot of women on my due date board on Baby Center who have lost their babies late in the game. It seems to me like the farther you get, the harder it is. I don't know what it's like to experience that kind of pain. I can certainly imagine it, but I hope I never have to know that kind of pain. It can be hard to strike a balance between being aware of everything that could go wrong and being able to enjoy what I have and the gift I have been given.

In school, in 3 of my 4 classes we have learned about prenatal development and reproduction. It's kind of fun to be learning about that stuff in detail while I am directly experiencing it. I've been able to share some of my own experience in class discussions which is pretty cool. I've still got to figure out what I'm going to do about spring semester. Hopefully that will all work out ok. I can't let myself worry about that too much. I just don't have the room in my brain for it.

The End is Near

Of summer, that is. School starts in just a couple of weeks. I'm registered for all of my classes. I'm taking a beginner's karate class. I'm so psyched! I'm also taking a metaphysics class that I'm really, really looking forward to. That kind of philosophy is right up my alley. At least my school schedule is fairly easy. Work is going to be...different. I've had virtually the same schedule for over a year now and that's all going to change when I start back to school. I'm really nervous about being able to make enough money during the semester, but I can't worry about it too much. I just need to let everything fall into place. What ever happens, happens and I will make it work one way or another. I just gotta keep telling myself that.

I found out recently that my aunt Linda has small-cell lung cancer. It's a very aggressive form of cancer and if it spreads there's pretty much no hope of survival. When she was diagnosed, they had found the cancer cells in her liver. Her doctors say she could potentially live for another year, but he thinks she has about 6 months or so. Right now my aunt has an upper respiratory infection and has swelling from water retention. She's feeling pretty awful and not up for any visitors. I hope she feels well enough for visitors soon. I'd really like a chance to see her one more time before she goes. If not, I will always value the time we were able to spend together last summer when my grandpa was dying, but I would much prefer to see her at least once more.

I'm now on my 35th cycle of trying to conceive. My doc wants me to get a few more blood tests done for prolactin, thyroid, and antibodies, I guess. If those all turn up normal, I think the next thing to do is talk about removing the polyp I have. I'm all for it. It's annoying that this polyp is making my periods longer. They used to last 4-5 days, now it's at least 7 days. I hate that. If I got pregnant this cycle, my due date would be on G's birthday. He would LOVE that. Of course there is no reason to believe I'd get pregnant this cycle, but who the hell knows? Weirder things have happened.

So my summer is coming to an end. I don't think I've read nearly enough fun books this summer. I'd like to read at least one more before school starts, maybe two. I'll squeeze every last drop out of summer vacation as much as I possibly can.

Just Stuff

When I saw my doc about the possibility of being bi-polar he agreed that I could have some of the symptoms, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it is bi-polar. He said he is more conservative with bi-polar diagnoses because of his experience while he was in training. He was at a clinic that encouraged bi-polar diagnoses because of the funding they could get. I was really grateful that he wanted to be conservative about it. I've been documenting my mood swings so I can tell him about them more accurately. So right now, that's kind of an on-going process. I still want to find a hypnotherapist but I want one that does regular talk therapy as well so I can get insurance to pay for it. Doing the research for that takes time I don't really have. But I do need to make it a priority.

I'm registered for some of my classes at SFSU. I went to orientation and was able to do it then. Going to orientation allowed me to register for classes before any new transfers who didn't go. That's kind of nice. As it turns out, I can't take any of their child development classes until I take Intro Psych. If I had known that I would have taken it at CCSF, but no one told me. Oh well, at least I was able to get in the Intro Psych class. There was only one class available when I registered. Apparently they're huge classes, though, so not too hard to get into. Having such a big class will probably make it harder to get to know th professor like I was able to at CCSF, but I'll make a point to do it anyway. I learned that it makes a big difference.

I had my HSG done Friday. It actually went well. Both tubes are open, although the right tube took longer to fill with liquid. They confirmed that there's a polyp or something. Said it was pea-sized. Still haven't heard from my OB/GYN if I'm supposed to do anything about it or not. I'll wait a few weeks for the HSG results to get in, then I'll call again and ask about it. I'm hoping the HSG helped open everything up and make it easier for my eggs to travel down the tubes. Maybe I'll get pg this cycle and not need the IUI? One can dream, can't they?

What a Relief!

I am now officially an alumni of City College of San Francisco! Woohoo!!!! Last night we had our graduation ceremony. The SF Fire Chief, Joanne Hayes-White, spoke at our graduation. That was kinda cool, but many of us were snickering about her past domestic problems from a couple of years ago. My dad and his wife came up from San Diego for the ceremony which really touched my heart. I wasn't planning on making much of a deal about this, but m dad wanted to come up for it and I had five tickets, so I invited two of my close friends to come too. It was kinda nice having people there to cheer for me. Some people didn't have any cheering, so it made me feel kinda special. I am so fucking relieved to be done with school for the summer! I am really excited to be starting a new school next fall. I'll be at San Francisco State provided that everything goes the way it's supposed to.

I am eagerly awaiting my fertility testing appointment on Tuesday. There can NOT be any rescheduling for this! I'm serious. Come hell or high water, I am GOING to that appointment.

More than anything else, I plan to enjoy my summer break to its fullest. I'll be working a lot, but I din't care because I won't have to worry about SCHOOL and HOMEWORK. *Sigh* it's good to be done.

Ugh

I would like a day where things go smoothly and I am told "yes everything is all set, you can now move forward." This goes for both my fertility testing and knowing if I'm going to be able to get my associates degree and/or transfer to SF State in the fall. As of today, that is not what is happening. I still don't have the updated authorization from my insurance company for the fertility testing and I found out today that #1 I missed the deadline to hand in my petition for associates degree (it was March 7th) and #2 I am 1 credit short of having the 60 required credits to transfer to SFSU. I can take a shot term class this semester to get that extra credit. I can potentially still get the petition in and they might accept it. So these things aren't bad, but they are very, very annoying. Same with the authorization. I'm sure I'll get it, but why must I continue to wait so fucking long?! Why can't at least one of the important things in my life be settled and taken care of with no bumps? Oh yeah, all this on top of the fact that I'm having another chemical pregnancy miscarriage. Really great day. At least I got an A on my math test, right? Ugh, who cares.

Of course I can't express my feelings about this to my husband because he thinks I'm just being a negative nelly and won't really listen to what I'm saying. Why does he act like I'm not allowed to be frustrated about something? If something upsets me, he doesn't want to hear about it. He criticizes my reaction. I think it's perfectly natural to be annoyed and frustrated by this, even if it is my own fault.

I'm feeling rather alone and isolated lately. I can't relate very well to my friends lately and I don't even have time for them. So I can't talk about this to my friends, either. I guess that's why I have this blog. So I can the feelings out somehow.