Hope? No, Haven't Seen Her Around Lately

Not everything sucks in my life. G's blood tests came back and he does not have the active virus. My blood tests also came back normal. None of that means very much, except that we don't have hep c. We are, however, getting another room mate. That means less space in the house and less privacy. It means having to shuffle all the rooms around again (and everything had just recently settled down after painting). Most of all it means moving backwards rather than forwards.

Today I realized that my first aid bag where I keep my meds is missing. No anti-anxiety/ depression meds and no ADD meds makes for a very ugly day. Of course my school's lost and found office isn't open until 2 pm Tuesdays and Thursdays. How helpful! Especially since my class starts at 2 pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Assholes.

G tested + for hep c, so there's a good chance we may have to put off ttc for 6-12 months. I am very, very sad about this. G is already HIV + (as you may remember) and we were going forward with ttc with our doctors blessing based on the premise that he has no other infection and we would only be unprotected while I was fertile. We both were tested for all STD's 7 years ago when we found out about his HIV status (he was applying for life insurance) He is a recovered IV drug user, has been clean and sober for 15 years. At the time he tested + for HIV his t-cell count was so low he technically had AIDS even though he was asymptomatic. It's quite possible that his immune system was so depleted that he wasn't able to produce antibodies for hep c and that's why he didn't test + for it 7 years ago. Fast forward to this year. We're preparing for IUI and find out about the hep c now. Great timing.

We're waiting for his secondary blood tests to see if he has the active virus in his system. His chances of that are about 80-90% likely. So I got tested too. The treatment for hep c lasts 6-12 months and the drugs used can cause severe birth defects.

So, if we get his blood tests back by Monday and if he doesn't have the active virus in his system, we can move forward with IUI. By the look on my doctor's face yesterday the chances of us moving forward on IUI this cycle are extremely slim. The chances of us being able to ttc at all in the next 6-12 months isn't looking so good either. This whole ttc business keeps getting put off and put off and put off for so many different reasons. I can't help but wonder why I'm even bothering? Yes, I've wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember, but that's obviously not what's happening for me. I need to just accept what is and quit trying to force something that's probably just not going to happen.

Gah!

How is Clomid supposed to help me get pregnant if G and I are at each others throats because of the side-effects? It doesn't make me want to get romantic with him (like there's ever been romance ) and it certainly discourages him from wanting anything to do with me. Normally we bd right after af is over. Not so much this time. No for lack of wanting to on my part. But I've been a royal bitch (but really trying not to be) and that makes for a husband that doesn't even want to talk to me let alone have sex with me. Ugh. I really, really hope this works because going through another cycle of this sounds about as much fun as sticking my fingers in a meat grinder.

Something Different

We are well on our way toward IUI early next week. Finally we're doing something truly different with ttc. Hopefully we'll get some good results. I have an ultrasound on Friday to check my follicles, makes sure they're growing the way they're supposed to. I'm glad we're doing a follie check. A sick, sick part of me is hoping for twins (specifically boy and girl) and I want to see if my eggs are cooperating. I would kind of prefer to have twins so that I can have my 2 kids and be done with it in one pregnancy. I really don't want to have an only child, but because of time and resources, I feel like this is our big chance to conceive now. Once we've conceived successfully, it's going to be hard to convince ourselves to go through all of this again when we already have a little one in the house. So, yeah. Hoping for twins. I have got to be completely insane. Yep. Yes I am.

Moving Forward?

I started temping again this cycle to prepare myself for an IUI next cycle. Of course my temps were better than they've ever been. I actually got to the point where I thought the IUI might not be necessary. Pair the awesome temps with a couple of really dark evaporation lines on hpt's that almost looked +, I nearly had myself convinced I was pregnant. But then the last few tests I took were blaring white negatives and this morning's temp plummeted. So much for not needing that IUI. Of course I was hoping we'd be able to get pregnant the old-fashioned way. I used to have such romantic notions of what conceiving my child would be like. I was sure I would know the moment I conceived. That naivete was nice. *sigh* I have to admit that I'm jealous of women who are able to keep that innocence.

I'm going to have to fill my clomid prescription in a few days. Oh boy. Looking forward to those symptoms. Honestly, though. I just want to be a mom. I'm willing to do what it takes to get there.