Howling at the Moon

Another School Year About to Start

2011-08-22T23:19:00.000-07:00

As long as everything goes at it should and I keep my shit together, this will be my last year as an undergrad. I am excited about school because it means interacting with adults again and getting out of the house on a regular basis, having a schedule. It also means Cole is going back to school and playing with other kids, someone else gets to do diaper duty and clean up after him. Good stuff. We had a lot of fun this summer, but I didn't get out and take him to playgrounds as much as I wanted to. I am so bad at creating a schedule for myself when I don't have something to go and do. I have learned this summer that I am NOT cut out to be a stay at home mom and homemaker. Some women are good at that. I am not one of them. While I did love having that time with Cole, I feel like it is better for both of us when I am in responsible mode for school. I just allow myself to relax and slip back into bad habits over the summer. Cole's bed time was ridiculously late most of the summer. I am ready to initiate a nice regular bedtime so I can make sure he gets enough sleep. We'll see how that works out. *smirk*

I thought I was going to get more babysitting jobs over the summer. I applied for a few and only got a couple of responses. The problem is that I can't just drop what I am doing and meet with the parents for an interview whenever it's convenient for them. I have a kid too. Parents don't want to have to care about their babysitter's kids. So I ended up up getting a LOT less work than I imagined for the summer. Oh well. My former neighbor was (is?) interested in having me bring Cole to watch her LO (who is only 5 days younger than Cole) at her house a couple of days a week. At first she was talking about the end of August/Beginning of September. Now she is saying possibly October. She is a bit of a flake and I doubt it will happen. But it would be nice if it did happen because it bring in an extra $100 a week which would help so much. But besides the fact that she is a flake, I also have to worry about moving my car while babysitting unless I get a neighborhood parking permit. Without one, there is only 2 hour parking allowed in the neighborhood (almost all neighborhoods in SF have this) or I get a ticket. So, like I said, chances are this isn't going to happen. But a girl can hope, right?

Well, better get to bed. Big day tomorrow!

Too Much Bad Luck

2011-05-19T09:55:00.000-07:00

Of course it's mostly my fault. First I found out that I missed the deadline to sign up for internship in the fall. Internship is required to graduate. Then I found out I missed my early priority registration date so I can't register for any classes until one month before classes start. Now I find out I have maxed out my student loans and have to scramble to find a way to pay for my last year at SFSU. As if we're not struggling as it is. There is a chance this means that Cole won't be able to go to the school daycare in the fall which breaks my heart the most. He was really flourishing there, making friends. It was so fun for him. The daycare provides him with a social learning environment that I just can't duplicate at home. I know we will find a way to make this work, but I am just floored at the road blocks I'm running into. I am so close to getting my BA. I HAVE to finish!! And I desperately want Cole to keep going to the daycare. It is so good for him. I was hoping to enjoy being done with the semester but now I just have something else school-related to stress about. Gaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

ETA: Now that my last final is done and I just have my paper left, I am feeling a little less anxious. But I still have a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

2011 Here We Come!

2011-01-08T18:22:00.000-08:00

Well, we survived the long drive to Southern California. The drive down wasn't all that bad but the drive up was not fun. Cole screamed for the last 2 hours of the 10-hour trip non-stop. It was worth it, though to be home that Sunday night rather than waiting and me driving back during the night with very little sleep and snow/ice on the Grapevine part of I-5. Cole was an absolute doll in his little suit he wore for the wedding, too.

Despite the butt-kicking of the fall semester, I got all A's! Well, one was a A- but I was thrilled with that! I thought I wouldn't get higher than a B in that class. Guess it paid off not missing any classes. Cole is going to be in daycare on campus for the spring semester. I managed to get all of my classes to be on Tuesdays and Thursdays which makes the daycare tuition very affordable. I think it will be really good for him to have more time around other people, especially other kids.

Cole's first Christmas was pretty awesome. He made out like a bandit. I still need to upload the pics from our camera from Christmas day. Of course I had to get a picture of him with Santa. I wasn't sure if he would freak out or not. He started to get a little upset, but the photographer's assistant was able to distract him long enough to get a great picture.

Cole turns a year old on Thursday. Wow. That's all I can say about that. Wow. So I think I will leave this post at that.

Funny Video - Elf Yourself!

2010-12-10T17:52:00.000-08:00

Just Livin' Life

2010-10-23T13:26:00.001-07:00

School is kicking my butt this semester. My grades are decent enough, from what I know, but it's a bit overwhelming. I just never have enough time for anything. I keep putting off getting Cole's hair cut even though it badly needs it because I either don't have the time or don't have the money. It's frustrating. I have a few big papers and projects coming up and I am scared to death of them.

I also have a very long drive to southern California coming up the weekend after Thanksgiving that scares the shit out of me. 10-month-olds don't do very well on long car trips in general and Cole doesn't do well in cars. It's a month away and I am so, so nervous about this. I'm going to be in a wedding and I am also really nervous about how Cole will do during the wedding. I may end up having to hold him during the ceremony. Boy I hope it's a short one! The only other person Cole knows really well that will be there is also in the wedding. He's generally OK when it comes to strangers, but I am usually right there so he can go back to me if he gets nervous. Gah!!! I'm going to have to do most of the driving, too, so it's going to be an exhausting trip. The worst part is that I have to go to school the next day after we get back. Waaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!! I want so badly to be able to look forward to this wedding but I am absolutely dreading it. I can't say I am not able to go because that means my friend who is also in the wedding won't be able to go either unless she flies which she can't afford to do (neither can I, which is why we're driving). I hate, hate, hate that I am dreading one of my best friend's wedding and I feel like such a bad friend for it. Leaving Cole at home really isn't a good option because he won't sleep without me there which means G won't either. Plus I would have to pump like crazy to make sure there was enough milk for him and I would have to pump while I was in So Cal and I don't have any good way to store that milk. So it would basically end up being even more work to not bring Cole and just as stressful. We'll get through it and then it will be over with. *sigh*

Back to School

2010-09-03T10:10:00.000-07:00

School started last week. but this week was my first full week of school. Mondays are the hardest because I'm in school for 8 hours and I really hate being away from Cole for so long. I have been so spoiled being able to be with him so much. I don't know how working mothers do it 5 days a week. My friend K is taking care of him which makes me feel tons better, but on Monday afternoon he was crying when I called to check in on them and it made me cry. I just wanted to leave school and go to him. I'm so glad I have this Monday off for Labor Day! It will get better, though, I'm sure. It is nice to be back on campus. Taking on-line classes is actually a lot harder in some ways. Plus, being on campus around other adults is good for me. I am taking an aerobics class which I love even though it's been kicking my butt so far. I sure hope it helps me lose some more of this baby weight!

I have finally started to be able to get Cole to soothe himself asleep again. It was hit and miss for awhile but he has been increasingly difficult to rock or nurse to sleep so I had little choice but to find another way. He actually just fell asleep for his morning nap. I have him on a slightly more consistent routine than I had been doing before which I think helps immensely. I was not consistent enough with our routine before and I know that made it harder for him to be able to get to sleep. Having a school schedule already in place helps me a lot with that.

Cole turns 8 months in a couple of weeks. He can do an army crawl really well. His movements are becoming a lot more organized into a cross-crawl patter even though he isn't up on his hands and knees yet. When he first started the army or belly crawl he would push mostly with one leg while the other dragged behind a little bit. Now he uses both legs and arms equally. I have heard about babies staying with the belly crawl and never moving to a standard crawl. I don't know if that's what Cole will do or not but it seems to me like he is progressing to a standard crawl. I have a feeling that in the next month he will start to get up on his hands and knees.

He has had his bottom 2 teeth since the first week of July. He actually got his first tooth on our wedding anniversary - June 29th. He got his 2nd tooth exactly a week later. Now his top right tooth is trying to come through. I believe the bottom right was the first one to come through. So it is happening in a very orderly fashion. It feels like his tooth is right there ready to pop through the gums any minute, but it could also still have another week to go. Poor bubs. Between teething and the recent hot weather we've been getting it has been hard for him to sleep. Which means I haven't been getting very good sleep either. The weather is cooling down a bit which hopefully means better sleep for all. This warm weather is our summer, actually. Too bad summer starts when school starts back. :o( Oh well, at least we get some semblance of warm weather, right?

Anyway, some pics of Cole from August:

Here are a couple from the 6-month photo shoot we did at home:

I Suck at Blogging

2010-07-15T11:00:00.000-07:00

Again it has been way too long since I last did a blog post.Blogging is really hard with a baby! Cole's naps are usually so short and when he is sleeping I usually just want to veg on the computer and not do anything that requires thinking. At the moment he is fussing in his crib while I am sitting here hoping he will fall asleep on his own. In June I had him successfully falling asleep on his own for naps. But in the last weekend of June I went to San Diego for my uncle's wedding and that totally threw the nap routine out the window. He started rolling over regularly both ways while in San Diego and I think that new found ability has a big effect on his ability to fall asleep. We caught a cold from my dad and I think that also had an effect. Cole turned 6 months on Tuesday. I cannot believe that it has already been half a year. With turning 6 months he now is developing separation anxiety which is also making nap time more difficult. Just had to go in and soothe him because he was getting too upset. I hate how easy it is to disrupt a good routine. The rest of the month is probably a lost cause as far as naps go. Next week Cole has his 6 month well baby check and shots. So that will probably make him extra fussy and cranky. There is a very small chance that the shots will make him a little sleepier and will help but I am not counting on it. Then the following week We will be staying at my friend's house while some other friends come in to town to stay there too. Chances are we will not have any decent nap routine during that week. It almost makes me want to shut myself up in my home and never go anywhere because I have to deal with the consequences of it for weeks afterward. I know that there is the possibility that his nap routine would have gotten screwed up anyway. But it still sucks. How can I ever get him to learn to soothe himself? He needs more sleep and I need that extra time to myself. Oh well, enough about that for now.

Here is a fairly recent pic. I need to upload more pics from the camera.

Totally Cliche, But Where Has the Time Gone?!

2010-05-04T12:50:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I have posted since Cole was a month old. Now he is 3.5 months old. He will be 16 weeks tomorrow. It's amazing how fast these past couple of months have flown by! We went to San Diego when Cole turned 2 months to visit my family. My sister flew to SD from Texas so she could see her nephew too. That month between 2 months a 3 months really went by quickly. At 11 weeks (on April Fool's Day!) Cole laughed for the first time. His laugh is the cutest most magical sound, ever! He has rolled over a couple of times on his own but isn't doing it regularly yet. He loves to "talk" to us. His daddy is his hero. Cole watches him wherever he is in the room and just beams at him when he sees him. It is sooo cute. Now that classes are almost over I'm hoping I can keep better track of everything that is happening with him on here.

G and I got into it the other day about various stuff, us not giving each other enough support and attention, or at least not the kind we want. I've been having trouble dealing with my hormones. I was thinking it's PPD ( it still might be) but I just got my first postpartum af on Sunday so now I'm wondering if that's what it was. Ironically I got af on May 2nd and on May 1st last year is when I got the + pregnancy test that got me Cole. I was so disappointed about getting af, though, because I am exclusively breastfeeding. I wanted to be one of those women who go for a year or more after giving birth before getting their first postpartum af. Oh well. I did have a feeling deep down that I would not be that lucky.

Gotta post some pics of Cole:

One Month

2010-02-19T11:21:00.000-08:00

Cole turned one month last Saturday. It's been crazy! I have the rare chance of having both hands free to post this. Don't have much time, though because I need to get him up. He's been sleeping awhile, which is rare, but I want him to be able to sleep tonight too! I have to say - motherhood is the most challenging but most wonderful thing I have ever done in my life!! Cole was diagnosed with reflux a few weeks ago but he seems to be doing much better now. I hope we can go off the reflux meds soon. He's growing so fast, it's crazy!! At his one month appointment Tuesday he weighed 10 lbs 10 oz and was 21.5 inches long. I can't remember his head circumference, but the doc said his length is just above the 50th percentile and his head size is in the 75th percentile. So my little man has a big head! No surprise there. He takes after his dad in that and so many other ways. He smiled for the first time at 3 weeks for his doctor when we were there for his reflux issue. The doc said she was putting that in his chart because he's advanced. I was such a proud mommy at that moment! I'm so glad we get blessed with those smiles because he can be quite a challenging baby. He's already starting to get better but he does not like to be put down hardly ever. I don't mind wearing him most of the time, but it is hard to get somethings done while he's attached to me, like eating or going to the bathroom. I just hope that I am helping him have a secure emotional attachment to us so that he doesn't feel the need to be attached to me physically all the time. Well, better go now. Hopefully I will find some time to write more later.

Oh, here's a pic of Cole from Saturday:

Cole Daniel's Birth Story + Pics

2010-01-19T14:44:00.000-08:00

I was scheduled for induction at 7 pm Tuesday night. DH, and my two best friends went with me to get the party started. I was lucky and got the nicest birthing room on the floor. It was quite spacious and had a bath tub, which I was very happy about. Too bad I never actually got to use the bath tub. They started me off with misoprostal Tuesday night. It did help me progress and dilate me but very, very slowly. The doctor broke my water the following morning to see if that would help me progress any faster. It didn't. I was given the pitocin drip at 11 am Wednesday morning. They started me off at 1 and I handled the contractions fine. Then they increased me to a 3. Shortly after that the cx were overwhelmingly strong. It was nothing like I had ever experienced in my life. I realized after 4 or 5 really strong cx that were close together that there was no way I was going to last another 6-8 hours with that kind of pain. That's when I ordered the epidural. That was a wonderful relief, even if I was a little disappointed that I would not be having the med-free birth I had envisioned. Turned out it was a good thing I had done the epidural.

Once I was finally fully dilated I started pushing. I pushed for an hour but made no progress at all. His head just could not get past my pelvic bones. There was a point when dh and my 2 bff's could see his hair, but he just would not go any further. Not only that but his heart kept deceling with the contractions, especially if I laid on either side. After that hour of pushing the doc came back in and told us that it was time to do a c-section. They were concerned about the decels and did not believe I was going to progress any further than I had.

When I got the news I was so disappointed. I so very much did not want to have a c-section. It took me awhile to compose myself. They told me what to expect, and the doctor told my dad and step-mom for us because I didn't want dh to leave my side. They wheeled me in in to the operating room once it became available and started prepping me. The anesthesiologist was telling funny stories while he was doing his thing which helped me immensely. Once I was all prepped, they brought dh in and started the c-section. Oh boy was that uncomfortable. All the pushing and tugging and pressure I felt floored me. I kept my eyes closed almost the whole time just so I could cope with what was happening to my body. When they were ready to pull the baby out, I opened my eyes to watch dh's face. They had asked him if he wanted to watch while they pulled him out and he said yes, to my surprise. He is normally a bit squeamish when it comes to stuff like that. First I heard them say he had a big head and dh's eyes got really wide. He said "Wow! He really does have a big head! That's a big head!" I then heard the doctors say something about nuchal cord. Turns out the cord was wrapped around Cole's neck twice. They showed him to me very quickly over the curtain but I wasn't able to touch him yet. His cry, though, was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life. They asked dh if he wanted to cut the cord but he declined. He said his hands were too shaky. They cleaned him and wrapped him in a blanket, then they brought him over to me and laid his head on my shoulder.I was immediately in love and was sad I couldn't hold him for awhile. I was shaking so bad from the everything I couldn't have held him anyway. They wheeled me away to the recovery room where I needed more pain meds and something (morphine, I think) to help with the shaking. After awhile I was able to drift off to sleep for a couple of hours. DH brought Cole into the recovery room for me to spend time with him before I was brought up to the post-partum room for the rest of my stay. I was not allowed to have him room-in with me that first night because of my catheter and epidural, but the next night and the rest of my stay I did. We came home with him Sunday. We were (and are) both so in love. It was such an amazing and overwhelming experience.

Cole right after birth:

With me in postpartum:

Snuggling with Daddy:

First day home, holding his godmother's finger:

40 Weeks Tomorrow

2010-01-05T19:00:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I'm here. I have arrived at my due date and Baby Cole is still kicking and rolling and doing whatever it is he does in there. My closest loved ones call me every day to ask how I'm doing or how I'm feeling, if I think he will be here soon. On the one hand, I love that they are all nearly as eager as I am. On the other hand, it's driving me bat shit crazy! Poor G is going crazy himself, wondering when this is going to happen. He likes his life to be nice and predictable. Having to be in this wait and see place is nearly torture for him. If I don't go into labor before then, my next appointment is on Thursday. I will discuss scheduling an induction with the doc then. The nurse told me last week that they won't let me go longer than 10 days past my due date. So at the very latest Cole will be here by the 16th or 17th, depending on what time the induction is scheduled and how long labor takes. I very much do not want to be induced, so anyone reading this, please send some good vibes/prayers that Cole makes his appearance before then. My sis is coming into town Thursday morning and leaving the following Tuesday. It would be nice if Cole is born while she's here.

Oh yeah, one piece of awesome news: I got straight A's this semester! I have never done that in my life! I was hooting and hollering and jumping for joy when I saw my grades posted online. And to think I did that while pregnant and not taking any meds. Hopefully that trend will continue for the spring semester with my online classes. If so, I can see staying off my meds for good. I recognize that due to past depression and anxiety I am at risk for postpartum depression and have told my ob as well as Cole pediatrician about it so they can check in with me. But I feel pretty good about it as of right now. I really hope I am able to stay off my meds. That would be great.

In other news, last Tuesday my cousin did a maternity photo shoot with me. I've only seen one of the photos so far and I am absolutely dying to see the rest. Anyway, hopefully my next post will be announcing Cole's arrival. My maternity pic is below:

The Nursery is Done!

2009-12-13T10:52:00.001-08:00

I feel a huge sense of relief with the nursery being done. I was feeling rather anxious about it. I was going to try to put the crib/changing table combo together myself, but there was just no way. So G came to my rescue. I did put a lot of it together on my own, but once I got to the main crib parts it got too awkward for me to handle alone. We still need to get curtains for the room because the blinds are old and starting to fall apart. But at least all the big stuff is done. So anyway, here are some pics of the nursery. By the way, the bassinet will be going in our bedroom, but I liked the way it looked in the pics.

Where Has the Time Gone??!!

2009-12-02T14:08:00.000-08:00

I have 5 weeks left until my due date - 35 days!!!! Time is just flying by! Thanksgiving was great. I got to see a lot of my family that lives around the Bay Area, whom I don't get to see very often, since I don't have a car (and we're all busy). I also had my second baby shower on Saturday. My friend K's mom threw the shower for me. It was lots of fun. Great food, fun games, and awesome presents I must say. Now I just need to get through the rest of classes and finals in the next few weeks, then I can devote all my energy to getting Cole's things washed and put away and setting his nursery up. We ordered the crib yesterday and should be getting that this weekend or beginning of next week. We also bought a washer & drier that we should be getting on Friday. I am so happy that we are getting close to having everything ready. G said yesterday that he is starting to get butterflies in his stomach in regards to Cole's arrival. I've been feeling them. But it does seem like they're getting stronger the closer we get. I e-mailed my professor for my on-line class, explaining that I will be 37 weeks the day of our final, asking what I should do if I happen to g o into labor or I'm in the hospital that day. He told me to just send him an e-mail if I can and he would give me an incomplete so I can schedule a later time to take the final. I'm glad to have some kind of plan in place, but I've been telling Cole that he really needs to stay in there until after finals are over. And he needs to stay healthy!!

Here is a picture taken of me at my baby shower Saturday:

Plus here's one of just my big belly:

Only 10 1/2 Weeks Left

2009-10-25T10:50:00.000-07:00

I can't get over how fast time is flying by! A lot of women are saying that time is dragging by for them, but so far I guess I've been lucky. Of course being in school full time and working part time helps keep my mind occupied. I have been really lucky that physically I haven't been very uncomfortable or had many difficulties. Knock on wood that things stay this way for the rest of the pregnancy! I know that as I get bigger, things will get more difficult, but, I just feel so blessed.

At my appointment last Monday, I had gained 12 lbs since my previous appointment. The nurse said I need to start watching what I eat, cut way down on the sugar, cut way down on the refined carbs and stick to complex carbs and whole wheat and stuff like that. So I think I've been much better about it, but wow does this kid have a sweet tooth! I have never had that much of a sweet tooth, but it seems like all I want are cookies and candy bars lately! With Halloween coming Saturday I may have to indulge a little. But I shall behave myself until then.

That's all that's going on so far. G took this pic of me last night:

Down to Two Digits!

2009-09-30T12:36:00.000-07:00

As of today, I have 98 days left until my due date. Wow! In some ways it feels like time is dragging by, but in other ways it feels like time is flying. Yesterday I noticed some droplets of colostrum coming from my nipples. I know it sounds really weird, but I was happy about it. I thought, "My boobies are working!" I am 26 weeks today. Fertility Friend says if Cole were to be born now, he has 85% chance of survival. Those are pretty decent odds. Not that it matters. Cole needs to stay put until at least 39 weeks. I know they say 38 weeks is considered term these days, but I've also heard that boys generally need a little more time than girls to be fully developed. So, as far as I'm concerned, he needs to stay put until he is completely ready to come out.

It has been so wonderful feeling his kicks and watching my belly move around from his kicks and whatever else he's doing in there. Sometimes I'll play a little game with Cole where I'll push my belly right where he kicked and he'll kick back. We do that back and forth for a bit. It always makes me smile or laugh. It still scares me how attached I am to this little guy. I mean I knew in theory that it would be like this, but no one really knows exactly how it feels until they actually go through it. There have been a lot of women on my due date board on Baby Center who have lost their babies late in the game. It seems to me like the farther you get, the harder it is. I don't know what it's like to experience that kind of pain. I can certainly imagine it, but I hope I never have to know that kind of pain. It can be hard to strike a balance between being aware of everything that could go wrong and being able to enjoy what I have and the gift I have been given.

In school, in 3 of my 4 classes we have learned about prenatal development and reproduction. It's kind of fun to be learning about that stuff in detail while I am directly experiencing it. I've been able to share some of my own experience in class discussions which is pretty cool. I've still got to figure out what I'm going to do about spring semester. Hopefully that will all work out ok. I can't let myself worry about that too much. I just don't have the room in my brain for it.

Baby Shower

2009-08-30T11:55:00.000-07:00

Next weekend I will be in San Diego for my first baby shower. My dad's wife is throwing it for me. I'm very excited about it. My dad called me this morning to ask me about some details regarding the travel system stroller I put on my registry. He apparently saw a nicer (and more expensive) one that he was thinking about getting me and wanted to make sure I didn't have my heart set on the exact one I had picked out for some reason. Dad, if you want to get me the nicer one, I am ALL for it! I will be 22 weeks when I go San Diego. I have gotten a lot bigger in the past few weeks since I posted my last belly shot. I saw a couple of my friends that I hadn't seen in several weeks and they were surprised by how much my belly has grown since then. Yesterday both G and my friend K got to feel the baby kick. It was pretty cool that others can feel him kick now too! Anyway, here's my latest belly shot, which K took yesterday at 22w3d:

It's A Boy!!!!

2009-08-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

Today's ultrasound was quite an experience! Everything looks good and right on target. His heart, brain, stomach, spine, limbs, everything looked good. His face is formed properly - no cleft palate. He gave us a couple of great money shots too! Not a shy boy as far as that goes. He kept covering his face though, but we still got a decent look at his cute little nose and eyes. We found out that my placenta is anterior which explains why I haven't felt him move as much as many other women have by this point. I did feel a couple of good kicks on Tuesday, though, which was really awesome! My favorite part was when the ultrasound tech was moving the thing around my belly and the baby reached out and poked the placenta. It was so cute! So with out further ado I present to the blog world Cole Daniel:

16 Weeks

2009-07-26T12:25:00.000-07:00

I have my 16 week appointment on Tuesday. It probably will just involve most of the same stuff as my 8 week appointment with the nurse. I'm hoping I get to hear the heart beat again. That would be pretty awesome. I am scheduled to have my glucose test. I was surprised that I'm getting mine done sooner than most of the other ladies on the message boards but apparently new research finds that it's better to get the glucose test done earlier. Here's the conclusion of Pub Med's abstract on the study they've done: Glucose screening at 16 weeks of pregnancy is a useful alternative to third-trimester screening for gestational diabetes. The negative predictive value of screening test results < or =" 110"> or = 135 mg/dL is 55%. This latter finding is superior to the 8.6-22% found during the third-trimester.
An article from Medscape quoted one of the doctors involved in the study: "Screening at 16 weeks is a better predictor of gestational diabetes," Gerard Nahum, MD, from Duke University Medical Center in Durham, North Carolina, says in a news release. "It's more sensitive than screening later, and allows us to focus earlier on women who are at greatest risk. It's also a more practical screening technique because blood samples drawn during early pregnancy for other tests can also be used for this purpose."

In other news I bought a couple pairs of preggo jeans today. It is so nice to be able to wear some jeans again. I was starting to feel very frumpy. Especially since my hair is badly in need of a cut and I hate my bangs and need to grow them out. That's not a very good combination. Luckily G talked to our hair-cutter for me and she said she good give me a side-swept bang look. I'll probably go in towards the end of August.

Next weekend I have some good friends from out of town coming to visit. It should be a lot of fun, but I have been way attached to G lately and it's not going top be easy being away from him all weekend even though we'll be in the same city. We all get together every summer and alternate between Northern California & Southern California, since 2 of us live up here in NorCal and the other 2 live in SoCal. This year it's scheduled to be up here, next year it's supposed to be in SoCal. I don't know if I'll be able to do it next year with the baby. I'm not going to drive with the baby and I don't know if I'll be able to afford the plane ticket to go down. Plus, don't know where we'd stay. If I'm still nursing I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving the baby with G while I go down for the weekend. I suppose I shouldn't be worrying about it now.

I kinda feel like the outsider even more now that I'm pregnant. It was hard enough when I had quit drinking, but now it's more pronounced. One of the other girls has been sort of ttc, but the other two are not ttc right now. They both want to in the somewhat near future but are waiting until they have enough medical coverage for it. I am really looking forward to when they get pregnant too. I hear of so many women online talking about how all their friends already have kids, but for me it's the opposite. That's probably the one thing that made it easier to deal with taking so long to get pregnant. Now that I am pregnant I feel a bit alone. Luckily I have family members with young kids/babies that I can talk to.

Felt Something

2009-07-18T18:12:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling a bit of movement for a couple of weeks now, but nothing major. Just feels like that baby is rolling around in there or something. I usually feel movement after I've eaten. Last night when I was sitting on the couch with G after we came back from getting some pizza, I had my hand on my belly just seeing if I could feel anything. I could feel the baby rolling around as usual. It almost felt like thhe baby was doing gymnastics in there. Then, at one point, I actually felt a very tiny little thump. I felt it both inside and on my hand. And it definitely wasn't gas. That was pretty cool. I am so looking forward to feeling more of that kind of movement. I really want G to be able to feel it too.

I had to go get me some preggo clothes today. My pants are starting to get quite uncomfortable. I only have 3 pairs of jeans that still fit without cutting off circulation. Even they are getting a bit snug. I looked at getting that belly band thing, but I just couldn't bring myself to get it. I just don't like it that much and I am not confident that the little piece of material that comes with it will actually stay in place. I only found one pair of pants that I liked that was in my price range. Why does maternity clothes have to be so expensive when it will only be worn for a limited amount of time? It seems a bit ridiculous to me. This IS San Francisco, though. The people here don't seem to get the concept that not everyone here wants expensive clothes. I really wish there was a Target store in the City but the supervisors here have a weird idea that if we let them in they'll take over like cockroaches. It's apparently OK for Starbuck's to do that, but not Target. Gee, makes a lot of sense. Old Navy's maternity section had a crap selection. I wonder why? They used to have more of a selection, but when G and i went there the other day they had very little. It was disappointing. Anyway, enough of that rant. Time to go feed the dog and then go get some food for me & G.

One Trimester Down, Two More to Go!

2009-07-01T21:18:00.000-07:00

In honor of making it to the 2nd trimester, I will finally post a belly pic:

BTW, We got to hear the baby's heartbeat Monday. It was 165 bpm. Music to our ears!

Almost There!

2009-06-27T19:40:00.000-07:00

By mid to end of next week I will be in the second trimester. I am very much looking forward to that. I should post a belly pic. I'm starting to pooch out a bit. Yeah, I'll get right on that. I'm so lazy these days. It's so hard to get motivated to do anything unless I'm going to work.

On Monday we have our next appointment. I don't know if I'll get another ultrasound or not, but I'm hoping I will at least get to hear the heartbeat. Monday is also our 7-year wedding anniverary. G will be coming with me to the appointment, then we'll go do something afterward and go out to dinner somewhere.

The weather is gorgeous here this weekend. It's also pride weekend which means a lot of people in the 'hood. In some ways it's fun, but the vast majority of people are drinking and partying and I am sooo not into that and neither is G. So we're hanging out in our back yard for most of the time. I did have to go get a dress for my cousin's wedding next weekend. Downtown was pretty packed. We got out of there as quickly as we could. It will be nice to go to SoCal next weekend. I need to start planning when I'll have my shower down there. It will probably have to be the beginning of September since that's the only 3-day weekend school will have for quite some time. My aunt suggested doing it at Thanksgiving, but I said that was pushing it. She said said she had seen plenty of women flying while that far along and I replied, "Yeah, but how many of them took 3+ years to get pregnant?" She concurred.

So Far, So Good

2009-05-29T17:33:00.000-07:00

We got to see the baby blob today! Saw the heart beat - it was 178 bpm! Must've been going pretty fast because my heart was thundering away! I guess my uterus is tilted because the doc had a hard time getting a good pic. First she realized I had a full bladder and had me go empty it. So I wrapped myself in that paper cover thingy and went to the bathroom. It was unlocked, but occupied. At least I was in just as awkward a position! Emptied my bladder and went back in the room. It was easier, but still took a minute to get a clear look at the baby blob. The heart beat was beautiful and it measured right on time. We are both quite relieved. G said it's more and more real to him.

I'm just glad we got that over with! I slept terribly last night with all kinds of anxiety-filled dreams about this u/s. Next week I meet with the nurse to go over all the other important stuff, blood tests, blood pressure, weight, etc. Have no idea when the next u/s is supposed to be. I guess we'll schedule that next week, too. I should put together a list of questions. Yeah. I'll get right on that. Really.

Lazy and Hungry

2009-05-26T12:58:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to get out of the house to go get me a cheese burger but my butt appears to be glued to the couch, dammit! :o) Feeling tired all the time makes it sooo easy to be lazy. I haven't done my prenatal yoga tape yet, and I really, really should. I wanted to sign up with the local public pool so I can swim through out the summer. Have not yet even attempted to do that. Which is silly because I will be babysitting at a house that is quite near the pool and it would be wonderfully easy to walk right over there when I'm done. Those jobs will be done by 1 pm which is the perfect time to go swimming. I gotta get my butt in gear. My toenails need to be done. I have been so lazy about that too. I am SO LAZY!!! It kinda feels good to be this lazy.

The Symptoms Have Hit

2009-05-16T12:34:00.000-07:00

Oh boy. The nausea, the constant hunger, and the MOOD SWINGS!!! It's crazy! Come 9 pm, I'm absolutely worthless. My brain just shuts down. I used to try to find a nice way to say what's on my mind. These days, not so much. Thankd GOD for the internet when I can erease what I typed and retype it before sending. IRL, that editing isn't available. Sometimes stuff slips out before I mean for it to. With hubby I feel bad. With strangers, if I can't manage to clamp my mouth shut, oh well. I really don't like to be outright rude to people, but wow, everything annoys me! Especially all the cigarette smoke. It can be really tough walking through my neighborhood at night when all the guys are at the bars getting sloshed & smoking like chimminies. If I cover my face with a rag they make stupid comments about swine flu. Like I give a shit about THAT! The toxins they keep blowing out their mouth into the air I breathe is a far more immediate concern. Even when I was a smoker, I was more considerate of nonsmokers than most of these yodels seem to be. I just seem to have very little tolerance for any kind of bullshit these days. Not good when babysitting! I make a very strong point to be as patient as possible, though, with the kids. They don't need to deal with my craziness. Luckily the kids have all been very sweet for the most part. I do feel more maternal too, though, so that helps. My u/s was on the 28th, but the doc had surgery scheduled that day so I had to reschedule for the 29th. At least it's just one more day.

In other news, my dog is crazy. She broke off one of her rear claws at the paw line. She doesn't seem fazed by it in the least. I got a call from the store around the corner from us the she was there. She was supposed to be in the back yard. Oh how I love sharing the back yard with a neighbor to whom it doesn't occur to make sure the back yard gate is closed tight. Fun times! I sure hope she didn't get into any trouble while she was out and about. She can be a bit of a punk with other dogs sometimes. At least she's safe and sound now! Silly mutt.

Grumpy & Hormonal

2009-05-09T16:11:00.000-07:00

Everything seems to be pissing me off today! The cigarette smoke I keep smelling is pissing me off. A certain charting site that will remain unnamed REALLY pissed me off today. They make it absolutely impossible to do anything to help and/or support your friends off the site. The SAY it's to protect privacy. But they won't even let you give your OWN e-mail address. It's so stupid. They claim it's a private forum, not a public one so they can make what ever rules they want. Well, shit, WE'RE paying for that forum. Shouldn't we have a say about the rules?! I mean, come on! GGRRRRRRR!

In a Daze

2009-05-05T18:33:00.000-07:00

I still can't believe I'm pregnant!! I've had 2 more BFP's and I went it yesterday to get me beta. Today I got the call back and the result is 239. A good number according to my doc's office. They don't want me to bother with checking for doubling, so I just made my first appointment (with u/s) on 5/28. DH is such a happy man right now! But also very overwhelmed, he says. We're both in a daze, in fact. So today I'm 5w1d and my due date is 1/4/10. Man, I probably should be more cautiously optimistic, but right now I'm just optimistic! I'm going to enjoy this for as long as I can.

Woah!

2009-05-02T10:17:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I had been talking to my friend K about expecting af to show up any minute. We were joking about using a hpt as a "period starter kit" as we like to call it. After I got off the phone with her, I walked the dog and when I got back home had to pee. I had one more EPT digital test left so I decided to just do it. The hourglass was blinking on the screen and I figured it was going to be negative. I wasn't trippin' on it at all. As I walked into the next room I was looking at the screen and suddenly it blinked "pregnant." I said, "Wait, what?!" My brain immediately turned into mush. I called G, then I called K back. These past 12+ hours have been so surreal!!! I need to call my ob/gyn Monday morning to get a beta done. But, for now, it seems like I'm pregnant! Holy shit!

Blah

2009-04-14T16:56:00.001-07:00

I've got the blahs really bad. I have no idea what we're going to do next ttc-wise. I'm just not feeling so great about myself right now, but not for any particular reason. We need more money but the babysitting jobs are just not there right now because no one wants to spen any money they don't have to. I'm lucky that I'm as busy as I am. Unfortunately it doesn't quite cover what we need. I have no motivation to do anything, but I'm feeling so bored with my life and want something to be different. Being in school feels very much like being in limbo sometimes. Like I'm waiting for my real life to happen when I'm done. It's hard to just enjoy life as it is right now. There's so much that I'd like to be able to do that we just can't because we don't have the money for it because I'm in school. G and I have argued so much about stupid shit when it comes to money and I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of getting blamed every time the bank or whoever decides to wait too fucking long to put the charge through when I use the credit part of my card instead of ATM. I'm tired of feeling soley responsible for the fact that we don't have enough money right now. I mean, it's not like things are horrible right now, but as soon as someting happens that's not expected I get blamed. I don't want to be blamed for this shit any more. I don't know why he seems to think I don't care about this shit.

I'm cranky and feel crappy about nearly everything even though I don't have very good reason to be. I hate this. Ugh.

Whatever

2009-03-04T09:04:00.000-08:00

Last cycle was full of weird shit. First I ovulated earlier than normal. At least I think I did. I forgot to take an OPK on CD 13 and they were all negative CD 14-16, getting lighter, looking very much post-surge. Then my period arrives late, making me think I might be possibly pregnant. Of course I wasn't, or if I was it was another chemical and it didn't register on the digital test I took. On the plus side, being late means that I will ovulate during the week now and can do another IUI. That's good, at least. G was all excited about me possibly being pregnant. Because I thought I ovulated on CD 13, I had what I thought was an 18-day luteal phase which is the longest I've ever had. When I look back on the cycles where I've done OPK's it seems like I usually get 2 + opk's and FF usually has me ovulating on the second day of getting a +. If I only got one + FF usually has me ovulating the day of or the day after. How am I supposed to know if I should do my IUI the same day as a + opk or the day after? I'd been doing my IUI's the same day as the + opk. Maybe this time I should try doing it the day after? Whatever. I'm just glad I actually have a chance this cycle. I hate all this time-wasting! I think I've said that before... You know this shit has gone on way too long when you keep repeating yourself in blog posts.

AGAIN?!

2009-02-16T12:25:00.000-08:00

Holy shit, I've got bad luck! It was bad enough that I was due to ovulate right around another holiday weekend, but there was hope. Key word: WAS. If I had ovulated when I normally do, I might have ovulated yesterday and would have been out for IUI, but I also could have ovulated today and still had a chance to do it tomorrow. Instead, I ovulated early, just to make sure I had no chance for an IUI this cycle. GREAT! I only had 3 OPK's left so I waited until yesterday (cd 14) to do a test. 99% of the time the test will be + or almost + on cd 14. Yesterday the test was so far from being + that I could tell I had probably already ovulated. Still, I thought there might be a chance that I was ovulating late this cycle, so I took another opk test today. It was even more negative than yesterday's. So that's that. I just feel like screaming. Really really loudly. I hate this. I really really hate this. Wouldn't it be nice if I actually had something new to say?

ETA: I just checked my cycle planner on Fertility Friend. According to that, if my cycle is as regular as it usually is, I'l probably ovulate over the weekend again next cycle. Chances are good that I'm not going to be able to do another IUI until April. Amazing.

One Year

2009-01-30T10:59:00.000-08:00

One year ago Tuesday I made the decision to stop drinking for good. It wasn't easy. At all. G was ready to walk out the door because we were fighting a lot and life was just kind of a mess. I had spent that past 3 months drunk almost every evening and more and more often during the day, even in class. I preferred vodka because it didn't give me such bad headaches the next morning. Vodka and diet coke. I almost let G walk out the door so I could be alone with my vodka. I saw myself letting him walk out the door. I saw myself getting shit-faced drunk that night and the next day, and the next until... What? How far was I going to let it take me? I knew then that if I didn't come clean about everything, including the bottle of vodka that I had hidden in a drawer, I was going to die. I thought I had been able to hide my drinking problem. How stupid I had been! As soon as I was able to admit my problem out loud and give G the bottle of vodka I had, he told me he knew and all I had to do was ask for help. So I looked up at him and said, with tears in my eyes, "I need help." He pulled me into his arms and cried with me and told me of course he was going to help me. But he couldn't just continue to stand by and watch me destroy myself and the life we were trying to build together, all the while denying it. I had become such a different person. I had become surly while drinking, and that was so unlike me. I was depressed all the time and just did not want to be a part of reality. I wanted to check out. But that day, one year ago, I had to choose life or death. I was going down hill fast. I am so glad that I chose life.

I did not go to AA meetings for a number of reasons. Mainly, though, I didn't need to. G himself is a recovered addict of some pretty hard core drugs and has been clean and sober for about 15 years now. He was able to help me with what I was going through because he understood it. He never made me feel like I was weak or a bad person. Always the opposite. All of my friends were supportive of me, especially my best friends, one of which has also been through addiction and recovered, the other is currently dealing with her brother's addiction issues. If I needed to talk about it, there was always someone I could talk to. I had used cigarettes to help with the especially bad days. It helped, but around Thanksgiving time, I knew I was ready to be done with them too.

Everyone tells me how proud they are of me for being strong enough to make it to one year. But if it weren't for my wonderful support network, I don't know if I could have, or if I'd had the will power or motivation. Beacuse of G and everyone else, I am not only still here one year later, but I am healthier and happer than I thought possible. So, thank you every one for your awesome support. It meant al lot this past year and will continue to mean the world to me.

A Remarkable Day in History

2009-01-20T13:44:00.000-08:00

I stay away from politics on this blog, because I don't like for political views to get in the way of the wonderful connections I've made through the internet, especially the infertility community. I belong to message groups with women who have a wide range of spiritual and political beliefs. In the past, politics have been an extremely divisive issue in this country. I would like to believe that with our new president, this will some day remain in the past.

I strongly feel that in order to help ourselves as much as we can, we need to help everyone else too. In order to make our own lives better, we need to work to make everyone's lives better. I'm not talking about Socialism. I'm talking about basic stuff, like not being greedy, not living in excess, not taking advantage, or even not littering. Most of us are guilty of all of these things to some degree or another. But we also know what the right thing to do is usually. We may not agree on how that should happen or the particulars, but most people in this country do care and want a better life for everyone.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm really glad Barak Obama is our president. I think the fact that we have our first African American president is significant. But more so, I think Mr. Obama himself has the intelligence, strength, and honor to bring this courty back to where it's supposed to be. Perhaps I'm being too optimistic. I don't expect him to be perfect. He is a politician, after all. In fact, I expect it to take his entire first term to clean up this clusterfuck that he has been left with. I do, however I think that the hope his presidency brings to so many people will spark the biggest change in this country. I can see kids finally believeing that it really is possible for them to become anything they want. I can see people work together towards common ground intead of insisting that their way is the only right way.

So today we celebrate. Tomorrow it's time to get down to work, because there's a lot to be done.

My Craptastic Luck Strikes Again

2009-01-19T14:18:00.000-08:00

I did get that positive OPK yesterday like I'd been hoping for. Unfortunately I forgot about the holiday today. My doctor's office is not open. So guess what? I won't be able to do the IUI this cycle. I knew that was a possibility. I'm still disappointed. It means another wasted cycle. It means more time to wait. G and I did what we could on our own this afternoon instead. Considering that that has not worked so far in the past 3 years, I have a hard time believing it's going to magically work this time. Hopeful this will help keep me from being so disappointed when AF arrives in two weeks.

Those Dreams are Hard

2009-01-14T11:21:00.000-08:00

I had a dream this morning that I had a baby. It was the most realistic, longest-lasting dream I've had about having a baby so far. In my dream I was so happy that I finally had my baby. There were some nursing issues, the baby was having trouble with a good latch, but I finally got it to work ok (I think). Also in my dream, I kept leaving the baby behind and would have to keep going back to find him/her. The baby's sex was never made known in my dream and I apparently didn't care. I remember panicking thinking I was going to find my baby dead if I kept forgetting him/her. Weird. But ,oh man, I was sooo happy to have my baby finally.

Change What You Can, Right?

2009-01-13T19:14:00.000-08:00

I didn't (and still don't) know how to change this fertility situation. So I decided to change my blog appearance instead. A Physician's Aid and my ob/gyn office reaturned my call and told me that my insurance won't pay for me to see a fertility specialist until I've done at least 6 IUI's. So we've got 4 more to go before that will happen. She did give me some names to hold on to in case we do get to that point. That means 3.5 more months before I can even think about getting more help with getting pregnant. This cycle I have the risk of missing ovulation because it's most likely going to happen over the weekend. If I get lucky I'll still be able to do an IUI on Monday. Otherwise, I'll have to wait another cycle. *Sigh.* No expecations, right?

So, What Now?

2009-01-04T11:12:00.000-08:00

That's exactly what I've been asking myself. IUI #2 didn't work either. I'll probably ovulate over the weekend this cycle, so no IUI for me. I'm thinking maybe I should ask my ob/gyn for a referral to a reproductive specialist. I need more help than the ob/gyn office can provide. Unfortunately that also means I'll probably need to spend more money, too. I hope my insurance will continue to cover at least 50% of everything like they have been. I've been lucky. Maybe I can try some things on my own, like maca root. I feel desperate. I wish I knew what my body needed. It's like a puzzle I can't figure out because I don't even know what kind of puzzle it is, or what it's asking me to do.

The only thing I keep hearing in my head is "No expectations." Over and over again. What does that mean? Why no expectations? I think I know why, but it's so hard. No expectations... It's hard to let go. No expectations... I have to at least try. No expectations...

Trying Again

2008-12-31T12:34:00.000-08:00

So I did the 2nd IUI 2 weeks ago as of this Friday. I refuse to test before af is due to show. I'm waiting until 18 dpo to test since I've never made it that far. Plus I seriously hate HPT's now, and they obviously don't like me either. So I can and will wait. I don't need to see anymore negative tests. It's way too depressing.

It Didn't Work

2008-12-04T08:29:00.000-08:00

I was not able to pretend nothing happened. Therefore I was not able to prevent the massive disappointment I felt when I saw this morning's BFN. It's 14 dpo, so the chances of me getting a positive are pretty fucking slim. I have so many mixed feelings. The biggest feeling is extreme hatred for my body right now. Why is it that so many crack whore bitches can get pregnant, but I can't because I drink caffeine? I want to try something other than clomid this next cycle. It feels wrong to have any hope at all. I am just so angry at myself for not being good enough. I knew there wasn't a high chance of it working th first time, but after so long, how could I not hope it would work? G told his family about the IUI and they put us on a prayer list. Now he gets to tll them it didn't work. I hope he doesn't tell them about future IUI's. I hate getting so excited about something that's probably not going to work. GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
I am so fucking upset about this right now and I really have no right to be. I should have expected this.

Trying To Pretend Nothing Happened

2008-11-25T13:29:00.000-08:00

So, I finally got that IUI done last Thursday. They said G's spermies looked really great post-wash. They double-washed it. So, let's hope the egg got fertilized and it implants like it's supposed to. I'm trying to pretend like nothing happened, just as the title says, but I'm not having much success. Hope and fear create a really srange mixture. Fertility Friend says my test date is next Friday. We'll see what happens... I hope I can stay sane.

Hope? No, Haven't Seen Her Around Lately

2008-10-28T13:45:00.000-07:00

Not everything sucks in my life. G's blood tests came back and he does not have the active virus. My blood tests also came back normal. None of that means very much, except that we don't have hep c. We are, however, getting another room mate. That means less space in the house and less privacy. It means having to shuffle all the rooms around again (and everything had just recently settled down after painting). Most of all it means moving backwards rather than forwards.

Today I realized that my first aid bag where I keep my meds is missing. No anti-anxiety/ depression meds and no ADD meds makes for a very ugly day. Of course my school's lost and found office isn't open until 2 pm Tuesdays and Thursdays. How helpful! Especially since my class starts at 2 pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Assholes.

2008-10-18T10:29:00.000-07:00

G tested + for hep c, so there's a good chance we may have to put off ttc for 6-12 months. I am very, very sad about this. G is already HIV + (as you may remember) and we were going forward with ttc with our doctors blessing based on the premise that he has no other infection and we would only be unprotected while I was fertile. We both were tested for all STD's 7 years ago when we found out about his HIV status (he was applying for life insurance) He is a recovered IV drug user, has been clean and sober for 15 years. At the time he tested + for HIV his t-cell count was so low he technically had AIDS even though he was asymptomatic. It's quite possible that his immune system was so depleted that he wasn't able to produce antibodies for hep c and that's why he didn't test + for it 7 years ago. Fast forward to this year. We're preparing for IUI and find out about the hep c now. Great timing.

We're waiting for his secondary blood tests to see if he has the active virus in his system. His chances of that are about 80-90% likely. So I got tested too. The treatment for hep c lasts 6-12 months and the drugs used can cause severe birth defects.

So, if we get his blood tests back by Monday and if he doesn't have the active virus in his system, we can move forward with IUI. By the look on my doctor's face yesterday the chances of us moving forward on IUI this cycle are extremely slim. The chances of us being able to ttc at all in the next 6-12 months isn't looking so good either. This whole ttc business keeps getting put off and put off and put off for so many different reasons. I can't help but wonder why I'm even bothering? Yes, I've wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember, but that's obviously not what's happening for me. I need to just accept what is and quit trying to force something that's probably just not going to happen.

Gah!

2008-10-15T13:59:00.000-07:00

How is Clomid supposed to help me get pregnant if G and I are at each others throats because of the side-effects? It doesn't make me want to get romantic with him (like there's ever been romance ) and it certainly discourages him from wanting anything to do with me. Normally we bd right after af is over. Not so much this time. No for lack of wanting to on my part. But I've been a royal bitch (but really trying not to be) and that makes for a husband that doesn't even want to talk to me let alone have sex with me. Ugh. I really, really hope this works because going through another cycle of this sounds about as much fun as sticking my fingers in a meat grinder.

Something Different

2008-10-13T12:15:00.000-07:00

We are well on our way toward IUI early next week. Finally we're doing something truly different with ttc. Hopefully we'll get some good results. I have an ultrasound on Friday to check my follicles, makes sure they're growing the way they're supposed to. I'm glad we're doing a follie check. A sick, sick part of me is hoping for twins (specifically boy and girl) and I want to see if my eggs are cooperating. I would kind of prefer to have twins so that I can have my 2 kids and be done with it in one pregnancy. I really don't want to have an only child, but because of time and resources, I feel like this is our big chance to conceive now. Once we've conceived successfully, it's going to be hard to convince ourselves to go through all of this again when we already have a little one in the house. So, yeah. Hoping for twins. I have got to be completely insane. Yep. Yes I am.

Moving Forward?

2008-10-04T09:24:00.000-07:00

I started temping again this cycle to prepare myself for an IUI next cycle. Of course my temps were better than they've ever been. I actually got to the point where I thought the IUI might not be necessary. Pair the awesome temps with a couple of really dark evaporation lines on hpt's that almost looked +, I nearly had myself convinced I was pregnant. But then the last few tests I took were blaring white negatives and this morning's temp plummeted. So much for not needing that IUI. Of course I was hoping we'd be able to get pregnant the old-fashioned way. I used to have such romantic notions of what conceiving my child would be like. I was sure I would know the moment I conceived. That naivete was nice. *sigh* I have to admit that I'm jealous of women who are able to keep that innocence.

I'm going to have to fill my clomid prescription in a few days. Oh boy. Looking forward to those symptoms. Honestly, though. I just want to be a mom. I'm willing to do what it takes to get there.

Still No Answers

2008-09-06T20:18:00.000-07:00

My latest batch of blood test results have come in and they're all normal. I don't think I could adequately explain just how annoying that is. I still have no answers as to why I'm not getting pregnant. And to top it all off I just started another period. I'm getting so sick of this. I can't understand why my body isn't willing to cooperate. I just feel so pathetic, so inadequate. Why is my body not good enough to have a baby? What is wrong with me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????????????????????

Be Careful What You Wish For

2008-08-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

I got to see my aunt Linda much sooner than I thought. This past weekend she took a turn for the worse and asked to see the family while she was still lucid enough to appreciate their visit. My dad called me and told me he was driving to see her today and it just so happened that I was off work Monday and Tuesday so I asked if I could join him. He flew me down to Ontario airport (my uncle who lives in Fremont was on the same flight) and we met my dad at the airport and drove to Kingman, AZ to see my aunt. I think the hardest part about the visit was seeing how sad my uncle Joe is. He's such a happy guy, always with a smile on his face. The tears he had in his eyes talking about my aunt broke my heart. As we were leaving, more family arrived. I could barely say hello and good-bye to them through my grief after saying goodbye to Aunt Linda. It's hard saying good-bye for the last time. My uncle Paul who was visiting her today before dropping my cousin off at college called my dad and told him she's doing a lot worse. She told Uncle Paul that she's done, she's ready. When my grandpa told my dad and I that last year, it was only 3 days later that he went. The only reason he made it that long was because of the oxygen they had him on at the hospital. Linda has a strict DNR order in place, and she's at home rather than the hospital, so it could be much sooner. If anyone reads this, please send her a prayer for comfort and peace. Thanks.

ETA: She passed at 9 pm this evening.

The End is Near

2008-08-14T12:42:00.000-07:00

Of summer, that is. School starts in just a couple of weeks. I'm registered for all of my classes. I'm taking a beginner's karate class. I'm so psyched! I'm also taking a metaphysics class that I'm really, really looking forward to. That kind of philosophy is right up my alley. At least my school schedule is fairly easy. Work is going to be...different. I've had virtually the same schedule for over a year now and that's all going to change when I start back to school. I'm really nervous about being able to make enough money during the semester, but I can't worry about it too much. I just need to let everything fall into place. What ever happens, happens and I will make it work one way or another. I just gotta keep telling myself that.

I found out recently that my aunt Linda has small-cell lung cancer. It's a very aggressive form of cancer and if it spreads there's pretty much no hope of survival. When she was diagnosed, they had found the cancer cells in her liver. Her doctors say she could potentially live for another year, but he thinks she has about 6 months or so. Right now my aunt has an upper respiratory infection and has swelling from water retention. She's feeling pretty awful and not up for any visitors. I hope she feels well enough for visitors soon. I'd really like a chance to see her one more time before she goes. If not, I will always value the time we were able to spend together last summer when my grandpa was dying, but I would much prefer to see her at least once more.

I'm now on my 35th cycle of trying to conceive. My doc wants me to get a few more blood tests done for prolactin, thyroid, and antibodies, I guess. If those all turn up normal, I think the next thing to do is talk about removing the polyp I have. I'm all for it. It's annoying that this polyp is making my periods longer. They used to last 4-5 days, now it's at least 7 days. I hate that. If I got pregnant this cycle, my due date would be on G's birthday. He would LOVE that. Of course there is no reason to believe I'd get pregnant this cycle, but who the hell knows? Weirder things have happened.

So my summer is coming to an end. I don't think I've read nearly enough fun books this summer. I'd like to read at least one more before school starts, maybe two. I'll squeeze every last drop out of summer vacation as much as I possibly can.

Just Stuff

2008-07-21T15:01:00.000-07:00

When I saw my doc about the possibility of being bi-polar he agreed that I could have some of the symptoms, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it is bi-polar. He said he is more conservative with bi-polar diagnoses because of his experience while he was in training. He was at a clinic that encouraged bi-polar diagnoses because of the funding they could get. I was really grateful that he wanted to be conservative about it. I've been documenting my mood swings so I can tell him about them more accurately. So right now, that's kind of an on-going process. I still want to find a hypnotherapist but I want one that does regular talk therapy as well so I can get insurance to pay for it. Doing the research for that takes time I don't really have. But I do need to make it a priority.

I'm registered for some of my classes at SFSU. I went to orientation and was able to do it then. Going to orientation allowed me to register for classes before any new transfers who didn't go. That's kind of nice. As it turns out, I can't take any of their child development classes until I take Intro Psych. If I had known that I would have taken it at CCSF, but no one told me. Oh well, at least I was able to get in the Intro Psych class. There was only one class available when I registered. Apparently they're huge classes, though, so not too hard to get into. Having such a big class will probably make it harder to get to know th professor like I was able to at CCSF, but I'll make a point to do it anyway. I learned that it makes a big difference.

I had my HSG done Friday. It actually went well. Both tubes are open, although the right tube took longer to fill with liquid. They confirmed that there's a polyp or something. Said it was pea-sized. Still haven't heard from my OB/GYN if I'm supposed to do anything about it or not. I'll wait a few weeks for the HSG results to get in, then I'll call again and ask about it. I'm hoping the HSG helped open everything up and make it easier for my eggs to travel down the tubes. Maybe I'll get pg this cycle and not need the IUI? One can dream, can't they?

6th Wedding Anniversary

2008-06-29T17:17:00.000-07:00

It's a good thing we made it this week! It's been a rough one. But that's partially due to some hellacious mood swings I've been having this week. I'm beginning to suspect that I may have Bipolar II Disorder which is different from regular Bipolar Disorder because of the manic episodes. People who experience hypomanic episodes often have the following symptoms according to this site:

People in a hypomanic state may experience increased anxiety, sleeplessness, good mood, or irritability. The hypomanic state can last for four days or longer, and patients will note a significant difference in feelings from when they are in a depressed state.

Hypomania may also cause people to feel more talkative, result in inflated self-esteem, make people feel as though their thoughts are racing, and in some cases result in rash choices, such as indiscriminate sexual activity or inappropriate spending sprees. Often, the person who feels anxious or irritable and also has bouts of depression is diagnosed with anxiety disorder with depression , or merely anxiety disorder. As such, they do not receive the proper treatment, because if given an anti-depressant alone, the hypomanic state can progress to a manic state, or periods of rapid cycling of mood can occur and cause further emotional disturbance.

So My darling husband has agreed to go with me to my Psychiatrist appointment on Monday to help me describe to the doc what I've been going trough and what exactly has been happening. I talked to my friend about it who has known me quite well over the past 11 years and she agrees that it makes a lot of sense. The problem with Bipolar is that the meds are not very pregnancy friendly, so we'll have to seriously consider our options as far as that goes if Bipolar II is indeed the true diagnosis.

Nothin' Special

2008-06-18T10:52:00.000-07:00

So I got my cd 3 blood work done on Monday. I also found out that my progesterone was 21.5. My instincts kept telling me it was going to be 21, so I guess I was right. So if I have normal progesterone, why is my luteal phase irregular? Maybe the cd 3 blood work will give me some answers. I'm scheduled for a u/s on the 30th and I have the lab sheet for the hsg. I might go ahead and get that done next Tuesday.

I'll be in San Diego this weekend for my cousin's wedding. That should be nice. I'm looking forward to enjoying San Diego's nice weather. I'll also get to see my BFF which will be fabulous. My sister won't be there, though and I'm pretty bummed about that. It's been too long since I've seen her and I miss her terribly. We talk on the phone all the time, but it's just not the same. It will be really nice to see the rest of the family, though. I haven't seen them since my grandpa's memorial service last September.

I need to get a birthday present for one of the kids I babysit. Her 4th birthday was yesterday. I love shopping for stuff like that. It's so fun. Well, I can't think of anything else, so I guess I'll just sign off.

Money Crap Sucks

2008-06-14T15:23:00.000-07:00

G has been sulking all day because we got in this stupid fight this morning about money. It all started with the stupid dust pan. The last one we had sucked and was falling part. It wouldn't pick up anything and we really needed a new one but couldn't afford a good one. So I just picked on up at the dollar store. This one sucks too, but it works. G was yelling at me for buying it because he says it was a waste of money. I said it was better than not having one at all and I didn't see him going out and getting one. He said getting an equally crappy dustpan isn't better either. Then he started going about how I always waste 5 bucks here and 10 bucks there. So I said "Oh, right, it's better to waste 50 bucks at a time." I was referring to the $50 hair cuts he gets every other week. He got mad at me for throwing that in his face saying he's a grown man and works hard and that's the only he does that's not for us. But that's not true. He spends money on just himself more often than I do. He thinks that because he makes more money than me he's entitled to use more of it, regardless of whether we can afford it. He wants to act like we're equal partners when it comes to my money, but not his. Oh I don't know. I'm sure there are areas I could cut back, but I sure would like to see him cut back, too. I'm sorry but while I'm school, it's just not practical to get a $50 hair cut every other week. When I'm employed full-time, sure, but until then, why do I have to be the only one sacrificing? His problem is that he spent most of his life being a criminal so whenever he needed money he'd just go get it. Now he has to work for much less and it's hard. He's not used to not having whatever he wants. I've never had whatever I wanted. My whole life I've had to work hard to barely get by. I'm used to it. He better get used to it too, if he wants to stay married to me. He just needs to realize that life is not going to be easy financially until I'm out of school. That's just the way it is. Especially living in San Francisco.

2008-06-12T14:46:00.000-07:00

I love this time of year. Summer is my favorite season. A few weeks ago I was griping about the cold windy weather saying I wanted my summer weather. Well, I sure got my wish! This past week has been absolutely gorgeous! Man I love this. I so needed it. I've had my infertility consult and have done my progesterone bloods. Now I'm just waiting for af to start any minute/day now so I can schedule my day 14 u/s and a hsg. My doc (Dr. K) said to also get some bloods done on cd 2 or 3 so I guess it depends on if one of those days happens on a day the lab is closed. If that doesn't matter I'll decide based on how much spotting I get before the actual flow. If there's a lot of spotting (like a day or 2) I'll go on cd 2 but if I just start with a regular flow, I'll go on cd 3. I should call the lab to find out the progesterone results. Yeah sure, I'll get right on that. Damn, I'm lazy. I love summer.

What a Relief!

2008-05-24T23:33:00.000-07:00

I am now officially an alumni of City College of San Francisco! Woohoo!!!! Last night we had our graduation ceremony. The SF Fire Chief, Joanne Hayes-White, spoke at our graduation. That was kinda cool, but many of us were snickering about her past domestic problems from a couple of years ago. My dad and his wife came up from San Diego for the ceremony which really touched my heart. I wasn't planning on making much of a deal about this, but m dad wanted to come up for it and I had five tickets, so I invited two of my close friends to come too. It was kinda nice having people there to cheer for me. Some people didn't have any cheering, so it made me feel kinda special. I am so fucking relieved to be done with school for the summer! I am really excited to be starting a new school next fall. I'll be at San Francisco State provided that everything goes the way it's supposed to.

I am eagerly awaiting my fertility testing appointment on Tuesday. There can NOT be any rescheduling for this! I'm serious. Come hell or high water, I am GOING to that appointment.

More than anything else, I plan to enjoy my summer break to its fullest. I'll be working a lot, but I din't care because I won't have to worry about SCHOOL and HOMEWORK. *Sigh* it's good to be done.

I Must Be a Glutton for Punishment

2008-05-12T14:59:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I agreed to babysit yesterday.On top of that, I had two babysitting jobs, back to back. What I really wanted to do was hide away from all the moms and kids at home. I further tortured myself by taking a cheapie hpt last night, which of course was negative. Today my breasts are less sore and getting smaller as the day goes on, so it's pretty safe to say that I'll be bleeding by tomorrow, Wednesday at the latest. For not being able to get pregnant, my body is way to damn predictable. Why is my stupid space bar not working today??? Anyway, I told G that my period will probably be here tomorrow. He hugged me when I got home and had some tears in his eyes. That probably breaks my heart more than anything else, seeing how hard it is for him too. My infertility appointment is 5/27. I had it scheduled for4/23 but had to reschedule because of Bren's surgery. I'm just waiting for the next thing to come up that will make me cancel this appointment too. After all, that's been the precedent so far. I have been waiting to get this testing done since DECEMBER. How much fucking longer is this bullshit going to take? I'm getting to the point where I just don't want to bother with any of it anymore.I don't want to think about it anymore. If my fucking space bar keepsthis shit up I'm going to throw the fucking computer down the fucking stairs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not as Bad as I Thought

2008-04-16T15:58:00.000-07:00

I took Bren in to the vet this morning so she could get some ultrasounds and x-rays to see if there were any more tumors. Apparently the bump I found on her head is not a tumor, it's just a normal part of her body. So it's just the one lump on her side. The surgery is scheduled for tomorrow. The surgeon said that depending on the actual size and shape of the tumor once it's removed, they will either send it to the lab to be analyzed or just throw it away and be done with it.

So the biggest obstacle is going to be the cost. We have managed to be able to pool some money together from a couple of different sources. My dad is helping us out despite his reluctance, which I appreciate. One of the families I work for advanced me my pay for the next 3 weeks to help pay for it as well. We were also able to get a health care credit card that gave us an initial limit of $500 but may approve more credit in the next day or so. We'll be able to pull this off, even though it will be awfully tight.

My Poor Bren Dog

2008-04-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

I just found out yesterday my poor sweet baby girl has cancer. We have no idea how we're going to pay for the surgeries and stuff, but we'll do whatever we can. Yesterday afternoon I found a lump on her left side underneath her front leg. The lump is about the size of a quarter. The vet had an opening at 5 pm yesterday so I took her on. They biopsied it and sure enough, it's cancer. This morning I found another lump on her head right by her right ear. They're mast cell tumors and these tumors have the ability to release histamines, so we have to give Bren some Benadryl and also Pepcid, but I'm not sure of the reason for the Pepcid.

So anyone who reads, this please think some good thoughts for Bren Dog. She needs all the good vibes she can get.

I Hate Being Married Sometimes

2008-04-08T20:38:00.000-07:00

I'm either in school or working 45 hours a week and I have at least 5 hours of homework to do each week. G had the gall to ask me if I could take on more work since were broke right now. I said absolutely not and he got mad! Well, gee, asshole, maybe if you gave up the $50 hair cuts every other week, we'd have some extra money! I admit, I've spent money I didn't need to spend, but how dare he ask me to work more when I already have a full-up schedule and then get mad at me and tell me I need to stop spending money when he's every bit as guilty as I am! If he wants more money coming in, he needs to get a second job. He can be such a self-centered jerk sometimes!

Ugh

2008-03-18T18:41:00.000-07:00

I would like a day where things go smoothly and I am told "yes everything is all set, you can now move forward." This goes for both my fertility testing and knowing if I'm going to be able to get my associates degree and/or transfer to SF State in the fall. As of today, that is not what is happening. I still don't have the updated authorization from my insurance company for the fertility testing and I found out today that #1 I missed the deadline to hand in my petition for associates degree (it was March 7th) and #2 I am 1 credit short of having the 60 required credits to transfer to SFSU. I can take a shot term class this semester to get that extra credit. I can potentially still get the petition in and they might accept it. So these things aren't bad, but they are very, very annoying. Same with the authorization. I'm sure I'll get it, but why must I continue to wait so fucking long?! Why can't at least one of the important things in my life be settled and taken care of with no bumps? Oh yeah, all this on top of the fact that I'm having another chemical pregnancy miscarriage. Really great day. At least I got an A on my math test, right? Ugh, who cares.

Of course I can't express my feelings about this to my husband because he thinks I'm just being a negative nelly and won't really listen to what I'm saying. Why does he act like I'm not allowed to be frustrated about something? If something upsets me, he doesn't want to hear about it. He criticizes my reaction. I think it's perfectly natural to be annoyed and frustrated by this, even if it is my own fault.

I'm feeling rather alone and isolated lately. I can't relate very well to my friends lately and I don't even have time for them. So I can't talk about this to my friends, either. I guess that's why I have this blog. So I can the feelings out somehow.

Yes, We Are Trying to Torture You

2008-03-05T10:57:00.000-08:00

In the beginning of December I started the process of getting fertility testing done since I've been trying to get pregnant for over 2 years now. I was told by my ob/gyn office that I need to get a letter from my GP doc who also G's doc and also an HIV specialist. The letter was to state that it is safe to use G's fresh sperm for testing and possible IUI and would include a copy of his recent blood test showing that his viral load is and had been undetectable for the past few years. It would also show the results of his sperm analysis so that we don't have to go through that again unnecessarily. G and I met with our doctor to have him do this on 12/8/07, but apparently the letter didn't get written until 1/20/08. The authorization I had received from my insurance company to allow the testing expired on 12/31/07. My ob/gyn office was supposed to call me when they received the letter from my GP but the never did. I kept forgetting to call and follow up until today, when they informed me about the authorization being expired. So I now I have to wait some MORE for this authorization to go through a second time. I am so fucking tired of waiting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing gets done because you have to wait so fucking much! I know people are busy and have other things to do, but is it so much to ask to get a requested letter sent out in a timely fashion?! 3 months have been wasted because of this shit. It's ridiculous. It should not take this fucking long. I am so fucking sick of it!

Crushing My Own Hope

2008-02-19T10:08:00.000-08:00

I need to stop taking those stupid pregnancy tests before my period is due. All it does it drive me crazy until I start bleeding. I had lines on several tests, but they must have been evaporation lines because I couldn't get positive digital test. Here are a couple of the tests fixed and unfixed:

I know, I know, both blue dye and dollar store tests are very prone to evap lines. They're also less money and I can't stand the idea of spending 12 or more dollars on the brand name tests that have pink dye. They cost way, way more than they rightfully should. It obviously doesn't cost that much to manufacture the tests. Those brand names are making butt-loads of money off of us women who so badly want to have a baby. I absolutely HATE being over-charged for stuff. That's why I refuse to shop at places like Bebe.

At least I'm no longer surprised or bitterly angry when I start bleeding. I'd be surprised if I didn't start bleeding. I'm at the point where becoming pregnant seems like a far-away fairy tale that only happens to other people, like winning the lottery or something.

It's so hard because so many bloggers I love who had so much trouble getting pregnant are now pregnant with their second or just recently gave birth. I STILL can't get pregnant for the first time. I'm so tired of feeling like my body is failing at the one thing it's supposed to be an expert at. I AM a woman, right? I do have a uterus that prepares itself to harbor life every month. I do have breasts that get painful and heavy with the anticipation of feeding a child every month. Somewhere there is a part of me that is not allowing this process to be fully completed. I wish it wasn't so hard to find out what that was so I could fix it.

Changes

2008-02-13T11:39:00.000-08:00

I've had to make some pretty serious changes in my life. I've had trouble with drinking in the past and a little over 2 weeks ago it got serious enough that my husband was going to leave me because I was not willing to be honest about my problem. I was getting to the point that I didn't care if I was fucking off my life and I just wanted to get drunk and not think about any of it. When I was drinking, I thought I was on top of game and could do anything. But the truth was, I was a mess. I was losing shit that I'd just gotten, and going through every evening in a haze. I've had many conversations that I can only remember bits and pieces of.

It's embarrassing to realize that I am an alcoholic. I haven't gotten to the point many people do when they have to admit that to themselves, but I do have to admit it none the less. I have had to realize that alcohol is simply not an option for me. I can't just stay away from it for awhile, or just cut back. If I start drinking at all again, I will end up not just in this vicious cycle again, but it will get worse. I have to head this off before it really does fuck off my life. Sure, that may seem like the easy way out, but it is way too hard on the body physically, and my body seems to take it worse than most anyway.

Plus, my birth father was recently diagnosed with diabetes, and he has always avoided sugary drinks because of that same weird sour after-taste that I aways get from sugared soda, tea or gum. He had been sober (had problems with drugs and alcohol BIG TIME which is part of why I was adopted) for many, many years when he was diagnosed, so alcohol consumption was not part of the reason, but I certainly don't want to get that diagnosis one day and not drinking any alcohol could help with that, I hope.

New Blog

2008-01-15T01:18:00.000-08:00

Since my last Google account has been hacked and I have thus far found it impossible to get that account back, I have been forced to start over. So here is my new blog. I went ahead and decided to change the name, too, so I didn't have to make this blog only about trying to get pregnant.